Maybe Next Time...

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

that pretty much sums it up.

Update: Round II

Monday- June 4th
Last weekend I was having slight panic attacks because I was "scheduled" (according to Pink Pad) to ovulate over the holiday weekend. I didn't know if my doctor was going to be in town and if not I would have been outta luck, but LUCKILY the smiley face didn't come until Monday morning.  This meant Tuesday was our "golden day" to go into the doctor's office.    Round two of IUI was rather humorous.  Since the first time I was prepared at home with a specimen cup and lab bag it was easy for Lance to have a little more privacy than this last time.  (Hopefully he won't kill me for sharing).  We walked into the office and the receptionist immediately asked us for the sample. Since we didn't have it they handed Lance a lab bag and cup and said to bring it back.  Lance looked at me completely confused and said... "uhhh.... where am I supposed to go?!"  We walked out of the office and down the hall and found the men's room.  (Funniest part is its a multi stall.. not an individual..) Lance entered while I waited in a chair outside another office.  When Lance walked out of the bathroom I asked if anyone had come in while he was there and he said that a guy had walked in while he was washing his hands and Lance quickly grabbed the lab bag off the counter and hid it so the guy wouldn't think he was CRAZY. (Luckily that guy turned out to be my doctor.. so it wouldn't have been that weird).   We argued back and forth for 15 minutes about whether it was "awkward" for Lance to enter back into the office after obtaining his "sample."  The conversation ended with Lance needing to go to work and I stayed at the office for the next 40 minutes solo.  Round two went pretty much exactly the same as round one... One interesting fact, however, is today (June 3rd) while Lance was driving home from Sunday dinner at dads his dad called him wondering about how our "trying process" had been going.  We haven't talked much to our families about the intrauterine insemination or what they really entail, but Lance went on to tell him that this past Tuesday we had gone into the doctor's office. Elliott responded with saying what a coincidence it was that we went into the office on Tuesday, because on that same day he randomly thought of us and the situation we are in and had an overwhelming GOOD feeling.

Crazy huh! The same day we went in he had that impression... without even knowing what we were doing! Oh let's hope that's good luck!

What to expect...

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Last night Lance and I went to go see "what to expect when you're expecting."  While it wasn't the greatest of storyline, the actual moments each soon-to-be mother had was so realistic.  In hopes to not ruin the movie for you, each scenario that COULD happen is showcased in the movie with a different couple.  Some struggling to have children of their own and others surprised by the + on their pregnancy test.  There were numerous moments when I felt as if the movie was portraying exactly how I felt- sad, longing, confused, and hopeful. While there were other moments I prayed that my pregnancy or entrance into motherhood would exemplify- love, gratefulness, overwhelming joy, happiness, a glow.

After the movie and as I was getting ready for bed I stumbled upon a "wavy hair tutorial" on pintrest.  It was linked to a lovely blog and as I scanned the blog for more interesting post and tutorials I came upon this post.  A Latter-day Saint mother who has three children of her own, but suffered a miscarriage a month ago.  She expresses the story of what happened along with how she felt about the entire situation.  Many of the words expressed were exactly what I've been feeling while others are feelings I hope to never have to endure.  What am absolute amazing woman for handling such a difficult struggle with such hope and faith.  Her perspective of relating it to Jesus Christ and his suffering had me in tears as I read the entire story aloud to Lance. 

heres a link to her story:    Dear Emmie's Story

** I guess I should note to those that don't typically read our blog that no, we did not have a miscarriage. We've just had some fertility problems and are in the process of intrauterine inseminations.

Mother's Day

I started out viewing Mother's Day as just the greatest day.  A day to celebrate all of the amazing female examples in my life- those that have made an extraordinary impact on the person I am today.  I was extremely happy and content even though I had to miss church to go to work.  I didn't mind because I was giving those mother's who had children time to celebrate with them- it was their day.


As the day progressed at work I was just excited to go home and spend the day with my husband.  I was also anticipating Mother's day (or the day after to be more specific) because it would be on the day after that Lance and I could possibly find out that I will be a mom.  What a great Mother's Day present! Right?   For whatever reason, however, I did find out that I will not, be a mother, at least 9 months from Mother's Day. 


While at work I tried to compose myself enough to not start bawling at my little corner cubby computer. I tried to be the happy and optimistic self I had been just a mere few minutes before, but all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball (partially because of cramps) and cry with a big bowl of ice cream.


I spend the next 4 hours of my shift staring at facebook looking at the posts dedicated to mothers, and soon to be mommys- angry.


Since everything that was wrong with our fertility situation seemed like it could be fixed with Intraunterine Insemination I was THRILLED to do it.  I was so excited and wanted to talk about it to everyone because I thought it was going to work.  I didn't think I needed a few months of IUI's to make it work- I just thought in 2 weeks. I'll be carrying my baby. But I'm not, and it didn't work the first time.  


I understand that this wasn't guarenteed to work the first time, and that it might take 3-6 times for it to work, but after KNOWING it didn't work I'm a little bitter thinking about the medical bill associated with the 'failed' procedure (that isn't covered by insurance at all).




-- Today while at Target I saw this beautiful black curly haired baby wrapped up in the arms of a beautiful brown haired white lady. It was then I thought, maybe that will be me one day. What will Lance and I do if we continue with IUI and it doesn't work? In vitro? Adoption? and when and can we even afford it? --


I started Femara (my fertility medication) day one today.  4 more days, then wait another weeka and I guess we will see if round two of IUI will be successful.

Just a Quickie

As my OB describes it, intrauterine insemination is "a new way to look at a quickie."  Today was my first day doing IUI.  It got a little hectic because you can't plan what day you'll need to go into the office until your stick gives you a smiley face.  With my pharmacology final this morning at 8am, I was a little nervous and stressed trying to figure out how to take my final, meet Lance before he left for work at 9:40 and didn't come home until 1pm and I would leave for work at 2.  Luckily it all worked out.  I finished my 120 question pharmacology final in one hour, drove home quickly, then rushed off (literally going 80-85 on the highway) towards Alta View Hospital.  My logic was "if i get pulled over I will whip this specimen cup out from my armpit and say 'if i don't make it to the doctors office in the next 20 minutes these swimmers will die and I will have missed my chance at conceiving a child, do you (officer) want that on your conscious?'"  Once at the doctors office I waited impatiently until I was called.  They took the specimen and spun it down "washing" the sperm of all the thick fluid (which is the reason we can't conceive normally) and then inserted them into a syringe attached to a catheter (or straw).  I went into the office. Bing bam boom. The insertion was complete in literally 30 seconds. Then I just had to lay there for 20 minutes giving the swimmers a head start against gravity for when I would stand up.  Definitely not the most romantic way to conceive a child, but at least now I can say I know the actual date of conception (that is of course if I get pregnant the first time.  It typically takes 6 times for a person to get pregnant.)

This whole experience reminds me of a talk that was given at ward as well as stake conference.  It was about taking the time to look at the brighter side of any situation.  We are the ones who determine if we choose to be happy or choose to be upset.  If we all have hope that things will work out, they will.  I know many people who could/have been in this situation and ask "why!," but I know the Lord has his own timing with everything and he will bless us/everyone tenfold if we are patient and have hope.

Nesting

There are time when I think I am NESTING, even without being pregnant.

Evidence through my recent purchase: 

Of course just walking around Seagall Books is probably something I should limit, but for $2.99 how could I NOT buy this?

The week before our cruise I kept taking tests, each with a -, I went on the cruise and it wasn't until the 2nd day that I actually started. PERFECT timing huh? ;)  I guess not taking my fertility meds is a no no, a 40 day cycle instead of my usual 28... woops. 

Well speaking of nesting... for some strange reason I keep having these thoughts of how Lance and I are going to have twins.  Obviously if we are having trouble with just one two would be inconceivable, but regardless I just keep thinking how "awesome" it would be. Hence the stroller I want....

 Look at how many OPTIONS there are!

The Beginning..

I've been tempted to blog about this for months now, but thought it was premature.  Now that we are in our current situation I feel as if its a little more appropriate.  

The very common and extremely annoying question EVERYONE asks a newlywed couple... SO When are you having KIDS? I have learned over the past year is a question people should just STOP asking.

Experience #1: cute couple in our ward with the boy Lance's age and the girl my age.  The boy came over to check out our basement and to my better judgment I decided to ask when they were going to start having kids.. he responded with "Actually, we had a tubular pregnancy last week which ended in a miscarriage." 

*Note to self. Never ask people again if they are pregnant or when they will have kids...even if I'm dying to know.

Experience #2: A teacher I'm extremely fond on from high school has a blog all about her journey with TTC (trying to conceive).  At first I thought.. wow this is way too personal for me to read. I can't believe she is brave enough to openly blog about her inability to  have children.  Of course, the blog sucked me in and now she is 7 days away from delivering twin boys she conceived through her 2nd round of In Vitro. Congrats to her!!!

Why is this relevant for those who don't know? Well both I feel are applicable to Lance and me.

#1- I HATE when people ask me when we are going to have kids.  When it happens, believe me, I will LET YOU KNOW.  Until then, enjoy all the pictures we post about our puppies... they are cute.

#2-I made a blog post last May when Lance and I decided we were going to try and have a baby, but never posted it because I was scared to what questions we might receive.  Well now its been 11 months and we still are not pregnant.

Let me backtrack-

When Lance and I got married we decided that we wouldn't have a baby until after I was finished with nursing school which was supposed to be 3 years from when our wedding day.  Last summer I decided that I wasn't going to do the nursing program I had once planned but instead enroll in SLCC program.  SLCC has a 2 year waiting list and a 2 year program.  Waiting 5 years from wedding to baby wasn't really in the cards for Lance and I so we decided that during the wait list time we would have a baby and that way the baby would be old enough to "handle" by the time I started nursing school.  I got my job with IHC along with full health insurance in March... you have to be with a company for a full year to take off 12 week leave.. so the 1st of June my IUD came out (so the baby soonest would be due in March). 

May was a long month since we had made the decision, but had yet to remove the goalie. Once I went to the Dr. and he informed me we needed to wait another month before trying because my lining needed a month to fully develop and shed as normal, if we didn't wait there was a higher chance of miscarriage... we kinda waited, but July came with another negative. 

August I was 8 days late and of course thinking +++, but another - it was.  Thank heavens I work for a hospital and with a Nurse who is my OBGYN's stepdaughter/office nurse.  From talking to her she suspected I wasn't regular and needed to do an ovulation kit to make sure I was ovulating. September, October and November were all "regular" @ 33 days  but with all - results. With my Dr. checking my progesterone in November which indicated I was ovulating, but my number wasn't as high as he would have liked it.

December came at 28 days and I was freaking out.  How could I be so regular over the last 3 months and all of a sudden now I'm EARLY?!?! At this point my Dr. put me on Femara which is a fertility medication similar to the typical Clomid.  It was determined at that point that I was ovulating, but not regularly.  Perfect timing... being on a fertility medication that makes you super emotional...while on a boys basketball trip for A WEEK. Needless to say, my patience was OUT the window by the time we got home.

January and February went as planned with 28/29 day cycles and still a -. Since everything was figured out with me the next step was to check Lance.  Lance went in for his semen analysis the beginning of February and his results indicated that 59% of his swimmers were abnormal (when only 40% or lower should be) and his viscosity was high.. meaning he only had 41% of sperm that could make a baby, but they were trying to swim through jello.  Because of this my Dr. wanted him to go to a fertility clinic and check how well the sperm could swim and if fertilization would be possible.  The next week Lance went in and his results weren't great.  The want the motility of viable sperm to be between 5-14% anything less than 5% means the man is infertile and can't have kids...  Lance is AT 5%. Not good. 

From the beginning of our journey until just last month I have been in tears each time I see another -, while Lance has been the most supportive, open minded person always saying it'll happen, don't worry, it'll happen.  Since finding out our issues are not with my biological clock, but with his body, he has struggled a lot and more than ever wants to have a child of our own. 

Our next step is artificial insemination where they take a sperm sample, wash away all the stickiness and then inject it with a catheter into the uterus.  Of course my Dr. told me to stay on Femara, my fertility meds and that we would be doing Artificial Insemination for the next 3-6 months.. until we got pregnant or until we needed to try something else.  Naturally, I got really sick the week of my period, puking my guts out and forgot to fill my prescription.  So this month I didn't ovulate, and we missed our chance until next month...

When you get married, you never think an issue such as infertility is going to happen to you.  Every month I've tried to come to the realization that it isn't MY decision when we have a child, but the Lord's decision.  Those who have offered their advice always say something along the lines of "this is the trial you were supposed to have" or "everything will work out," but at the same time its hard having to put a number day of your cycle to every calendar day. To know what you need to be doing in regards to fertility that day or week or month.  It consumes every bit of my mind and while I hope others don't have to endure the same situation we have been in, I am envious as ever to those around me who get pregnant on a whim or have the easiest of pregnancies as well as those who I see, especially at work, who appear to not be the greatest parents or treat their children rotten.  How can those people be blessed with a child, but the people who would sacrifice anything to have a child are the ones childless?

All in all it has definitely been a humbling experience and I appologize to those who we have left in the dark in regards to TTC, especially our family members. We love you and didn't want to worry/excite you!