Last and Final IUI

Going into this last and final IUI I have been excited as the possibility of it working and finally being finished, but at the same time scared of it not working and the reevaluation process that will have to take place.  Yesterday was the day.  The FINAL IUI.  Time number 6.

Lance went in at 2:00 to collect and I followed up at 3:30 for the insemination part.  After waiting 10 minutes in the waiting room my name was called and was ushered to exam room one where I got ready and on the table I sat.  After a few minutes a lady popped her head in to tell me they were still preparing the sample and it would be another 10 minutes.  The LONGEST ten minutes ever!  Finally she walked back in and instead of jumping into the procedure she sat down and went over the numbers.

She started the conversation with.."have you talked to your husband since he left?"  confused at why that mattered I said no not really and she preceded to tell me how the sample he had collected was less than optimal. 

Our 5th cycle the numbers were:

2 ml in volume            12 million sperm           low motility (which is normal for us)

Our 6th cycle numbers were:

0.7ml in volume           1.9 million sperm         low motility.

Because of this drastic change they weren't sure if he just delivered a bad sample or if those were his honest numbers.  Ideally they want any insemination they perform to to have more than 5 million sperm.  Since we were under 2 million she said it was less than optimal.  She would perform the procedure but not charge us for it. 

We would schedule an appointment to regroup with our doctor a few days after my blood test (which is 2 1/2 weeks from right now). 

She then went on to say... "while this isn't ideal, you STILL have over a million sperm, and you only need ONE."

I'm pretty sure she was trying to be optimistic about everything but to be honest it made things a little more frustrating.   We only need one... what a concept.  Out of all the months and months we've tried and the billions of sperm who have been exposed to my eggs, I've only needed one to work, and instead of ONE working, billions have failed.

Needless to say I left the clinic a little frustrated and discouraged about the entire situation.
I mentioned to Lance last night that it feels like since we've been doing things at the clinic our situation had only gotten more and more complex and difficult.  I told him I felt as if all of our IUI cycles at my OBGYN were just a breeze, take a pill for 5 days and come in to the office a week later.  Since having gone to the fertility clinic the first cycle I was bombarded with a yeast infection right around ovulation time and hormones that made me psychotic.  The second cycle I needed to take additional hormones, estrogen, to increase my lining, and ended up with the stomach flu the week of ovulation, and now a "less than ideal" sample.  Maybe we have facing greater opposition because we are getting closer to having a baby?  Maybe this is my body telling me we need to take some R&R and forgo all these treatments.  I'm not sure, but we will find out on the 16th what our next path with consist of.  1) Baby.  2) no baby and some R&R,   3) No baby, pressing though with In Vitro. 

instacare = instabetter

A few hours after I got home from my appointment and had taken my estrogen I began to feel extremely nauseated.  I figured it was not a big deal, so I continued along and made dinner for Lance and I.  As I was finishing up cooking I became unbearably nauseous and chose to lay and watch TV in my bed instead of eat.  I tried chicken noodle soup, cup of noodles, toast, ect. nothing tasted good or relieved the churning feeling in my belly.  Soon after that I began my journey and friendship with my toilet, a very very close friendship for the remainder of the night and all into the following morning. 

I am not one to throw up on que.  I typically and just extremely nauseous and then have to gag myself to expel the grossness, but this time was definitely different.  I would sleep in bed for an hour and then jump up, run to the bathroom, and immediately expel my insides. Phenergan made me sleepy enough, but didn't cure the constant puking. 

Tuesday I spent the day in bed trying to rest my belly, but the acids were still churning away making me feel awful.  I tried some more soup, toast, a pear... after a bite I would hand it to my dear sweet husband who took the time to prepare it and say "sorry... can you eat it?"  It wasn't until about 5pm on Tuesday that I was able to eat.  1 ego waffle.  nutritious.. I know ;)

Feeling a little better, but still nauseous I made my way to my clinical rotation Wednesday.  I was hungry for the entire day, but couldn't get myself to eat a thing.  At lunch I bargained with the cafeteria to make me some rice, but was only able to eat a couple bites before I was "full".  I even went a little crazy and attempted a couple spoon fulls of taco soup! 
It wasn't until Wednesday night when my cravings got the best of me and Lance got me a happy meal from McDonalds as we drove to our friend's house for a Halloween gathering.  While I was there my stomach was so upset I couldn't sit up, I had to lay flat... weird I know.

3:30 am Thursday morning came too soon.  It was my scheduled time for my HCG injection.  I was still SOOOO nauseous and out of it that I gave MYSELF the shot, and then puked up that not so happy meal. 

Thursday I woke up at 9 am still feeling awful and unsure if I had the typical flu (since no one else around me was sick) or if I had food poisoning or if it was the estrogen that was making me sick.  I made my way down to the Holladay Instacare where the doctor also could NOT figure out what was wrong with me. 

They decided I needed some fluids so we hooked up an IV and in 2 liters of fluids went!  In addition I was given some IV Zofran for the nausea... I am now a true BELIEVER in IV Zofran!!! It was a miracle worker.  Slightly knocked me into la-la-land state, but it made the nausea go away!  I was also given some mylanta.  The doctor thought since I had been puking so much my stomach was on the super acidic side and mylanta would numb everything up and neutralize the acids, which it did wonders. 

I spent a good 3 hours at instacare, but it was well worth it.  I was even able to eat some chicken noodle soup for lunch and dinner without any issues!

Follicle Stimulating Ultrasound

Today I went in for my follicle stimulating ultrasound.  Things lately have been a little hectic (to say the least).  Last Monday I went in for my baseline US and everything looked good.  We decided to increase my Femara (fertility medication similar to clomid) to 7.5 mg (which is triple from my original dosage).  Since last cycle we increased it to 5.0mg and I still only had one mature egg we decided to up it one more time to see if we could get a couple of mature follicles. 
Last time I had ultrasounds on cycle days 11 and 13 with the insemination on day 16.  Today was cycle day 12 and I was a little nervous because I didn't want to have to come in AGAIN for a second ultrasound and another $200. 
Last Friday I called the fertility clinic and had them switch my appointment from 9:30 this morning to 3:30 in the afternoon due to my work schedule.  I was a little bummed at the idea of having to drive all the way down to pleasant grove again after work, but figured there wasn't another option. 

This morning at 5 am I received a call from work letting me know I was going to be cancelled for the day (which NEVER happens).  So relieved I put my head back on the pillow and slept in until 8:30!  Once I was conscious enough to use my phone I called the clinic back and had my appointment switched back to 9:30 at their Murray site. 

Once I arrived at the clinic I barely had enough time to flip open the Better Homes and Gardens magazine before my name was called and I was brought back to the exam room.  After a quick and routine undressing from the waist down I sat impatiently waiting for the nurse practitioner.  Once she entered we immediately began to discuss how the increased dose of Femara had worked.  I told her my cycle had only lasted for 3 days and then for some bizarre reason I spotted for 7 days after that.  The nurse practitioner was a little concerned with the unusual spotting and as she began the ultrasound the uterine lining became her number one concern.  Laying there helpless and watching her squinting eyes examine the screen had my heart racing.  Finally after what seemed like eternity she said my lining was looking normal, but a little on the thinner side.  She was to prescribe me estrogen to help build the lining. 

Next she navigated over to the right ovary and was instantly greeted by a 20mm egg. Keeping my fingers crossed she traveled over to the left ovary where it took a little more investigating before she could find the follicles. A 12mm, 13mm, and 14mm sat on my left ovary.  None mature enough to release, but maybe in the next couple of days they will grow up.  At this point I am a little sad at the fact that we aren't having another US to see if those follicles mature, but I guess there is security in knowing we have at least one mature follicle.

After the ultrasound I met the nurse and nurse practitioner outside the exam room and the NP handed me a prescription slip for the estrogen.  During her explanation she stated that they were tablets, just like a normal pill, but that she wanted me to insert them vaginally and apologized for how weird it was.  I of course reassured her that at this point NOTHING was too weird and I would do as she prescribed.  She was a little concerned, however, that I would ovulated before Friday with such a large follicle already. So I was also instructed to do my lovely ovulation kit pee sticks daily.

The rest of the week has been planned.  I have to take estrogen vaginally twice a day for the next 3 days.  Thursday at 3:30 in the morning I have to get my HCG shot and Friday at 3:30pm will be our insemination.

Dearest Family,

Dearest Family,
Over the last 16 months we have been trying to get pregnant. About 4 months into our journey we found some issues and sought the help of my OBGYN doctor. With the help of fertility medication and other tests we thought things were looking up, but by February we realized our issues weren’t entirely based on regular ovulation, but that there was an issue with the sperm as well. From that point we decided to team up with our doctor and attempt intrauterine inseminations (IUI). Our doctor was optimistic and said he would do a max of 6 inseminations (one a month) until I was either pregnant, or had to seek additional assistance. After 4 cycles of IUI and no success, we decided to forgo the inseminations at our general OBGYN and seek help from a fertility clinic. This past August was our first meeting with the clinic and they also seemed optimistic. Through tedious blood work and testing we were able to find that some mucous like fluid could have been plugging the fallopian tubes and after the mucous was removed we proceeded with our 5th IUI hoping for success. After a failed fifth attempt, we now come to you, our family, asking for your help. Over the course of this next month we will be performing our 6th and final IUI. If unsuccessful, we will have to look into much more invasive and expensive procedures, specifically in vitro fertilization. We ask for you (if you would like) to join us in fasting and prayer on November 4th, 2012.

We would like to thank you for all of the love and support you have shown unto us over the years and also thank you for your wonderful examples. We love each and every one of you dearly and words can truly not express our gratitude to have you as members of our family. We hope that through faith our desires of becoming parents will come true.


Love,


Lance and Christine

Wednesday

This past Wednesday was the final day of my two week wait (tww).  After the artificial insemination we had to wait 2 weeks to find out the results (pregnant or not pregnant).  I happened to have my clinicals at Riverton Hospital that day and was able to sneak away for a half an hour to go down stairs to register and get my blood drawn.  Then came the most difficult part.  WAITING. It was probably the longest hour I have ever experienced in my life full of anxiety, anticipation, fear, and nervousness.
I decided to not wait for the doctor to call me with the results and instead looked them up... 

 <5 not pregnant

5 or more pregnant 

 (normally it should be in the hundreds or even thousands depending on how far along you are)

my result:     2.

Yes. 2... which is less than 5 which means I'm not pregnant.  Extremely disappointed I tried to carry on the rest of my day.  A few hours later my doctors office called me and the conversation went as follows

"hello is this christine?"

"yes it is"

"hi this is (i forgot her name) a nurse from the Utah Fertility clinic.. How are you doing today?"

"uhh.. I'm okay"

"sooooo you know your results"

"haha.. yes I do."

"so you aren't pregnant. Your period should start in the next couple of days.  go ahead and call us when it starts and we will get you scheduled for your next cycle"

perfect. (i thought sarcastically)

The following day. 10 minutes before my midterm started my period decided to join the stress party.  

It was definitely a good thing my teacher had a bowl of Halloween candy on her desk... I was in desperate need to chocolate in the form of Milky Ways, M&Ms and Twix.. and yes I ate all of them.

“Thy will be done” and “in Thine own time.”

Over the last month, I have been bombarded by many (more than ever) asking if I was pregnant.  At first I felt very hesitant to tell people, but as our trial to get pregnant became more and more complicated, it was a relief to just openly talk about it.  With the majority of co-workers, friends, and family now knowing we are seeking fertility help, it has become a little overwhelming when people (not very close to me) ask what the latest news is.  

Going into our 5th IUI and our 1st IUI at the fertility center I felt as if this was our only shot (although I know that isn't true).  With the amount of money we have already invested I felt my prayers and pleading turn to an expectation or a frustration that if this one cycle didn't work, I was bound to never have children. ever.  I know that is a little dramatic, but I felt as if I could not endure another negative result.  I could not be disappointed again.  

With the fertility medication I have had to take this month I have literally found myself going CRAZY.  I am literally a CRAZY person.  The littlest things that don't really matter make me extremely upset and things that shouldn't affect me frustrate me beyond belief to the point of tears.  Just last week I found myself curling up in a ball on the couch with my puppy, just crying from sadness, then 15 minutes later I was throwing things in rage and ate a happy meal while facing a wall in our spare bedroom.  I know.  I am crazy. 

We spent this past weekend in Saint George with our good friends and while everyone was up talking and hanging out I was tucked into bed at 10:30 each night because the progesterone wouldn't allow me to stay up any later.  We toyed with the idea of taking a pregnancy test on Sunday, but decided against it since I had a HCG shot and that stays in your system for 10+ days.  We arrived home Sunday night and just as I was getting ready for bed I thought that I saw spotting... and that it was a negative. again.  Luckily when I woke up Monday morning there wasn't any spotting and my period had not started.  I have spent the last 24 hours hoping and praying that my period would not start, and I have 24 more hours until I can take my blood HCG test to get our official results.  

I know that the majority of my posts aren't sugar coated with gospel doctrine or optimism because I don't like to sugar coat things.  I like to tell things how it is.  Each and every day I am not jumping for joy grateful that we have been given this trial, and while I know that everything happens for a reason, it is hard to always look at things from such an eternal perspective.   There have been moments where I have felt lower than low and other moments where I know things will work out according to the Lords time, but now more than ever I truly do know that things are going to work out and that I have to learn to be okay with the negatives, because it will only make the positive that much sweeter.  

This morning when I woke up I had the impression to listen to a general conference talk as I got ready for school.  I don't normally do this, but I picked up my phone and turned on Henry B. Eyring's talk from Sunday of General Conference.  Below is just a little excerpt from his talk that I felt was so applicable to me...

“For there is a time appointed for every man, according as his works shall be.”⁵

We remove the pavilion when we feel and pray, “Thy will be done” and “in Thine own time.” His time should be soon enough for us since we know that He wants only what is best.

One of my daughters-in-law spent many years feeling that God had placed a pavilion over her. She was a young mother of three who longed for more children. After two miscarriages, her prayers of pleading grew anguished. As more barren years passed, she felt tempted to anger. When her youngest went off to school, the emptiness of her house seemed to mock her focus on motherhood—so did the unplanned and even unwanted pregnancies of acquaintances. She felt as committed and consecrated as Mary, who declared, “Behold the handmaid of the Lord.”⁶ But although she spoke these words in her heart, she could hear nothing in reply.

Hoping to lift her spirits, her husband invited her to join him on a business trip to California. While he attended meetings, she walked along the beautiful, empty beach. Her heart ready to burst, she prayed aloud. For the first time, she asked not for another child but for a divine errand. “Heavenly Father,” she cried, “I will give you all of my time; please show me how to fill it.” She expressed her willingness to take her family wherever they might be required to go. That prayer produced an unexpected feeling of peace. It did not satisfy her mind’s craving for certainty, but for the first time in years, it calmed her heart.

The prayer removed the pavilion and opened the windows of heaven. Within two weeks she learned that she was expecting a child. The new baby was just one year old when a mission call came to my son and my daughter-in-law. Having promised to go and do anything, anywhere, she put fear aside and took her children overseas. In the mission field she had another child—on a missionary transfer day.

Submitting fully to heaven’s will, as this young mother did, is essential to removing the spiritual pavilions we sometimes put over our heads. But it does not guarantee immediate answers to our prayers.

Abraham’s heart seems to have been right long before Sarah conceived Isaac and before they received their promised land. Heaven had other purposes to fulfill first. Those purposes included not only building Abraham and Sarah’s faith but also teaching them eternal truths that they shared with others on their long, circuitous route to the land prepared for them. The Lord’s delays often seem long; some last a lifetime. But they are always calculated to bless. They need never be times of loneliness or sorrow or impatience.

Although His time is not always our time, we can be sure that the Lord keeps His promises. For any of you who now feel that He is hard to reach, I testify that the day will come that we all will see Him face to face. Just as there is nothing now to obscure His view of us, there will be nothing to obscure our view of Him.

I can honestly admit that over the past 16 months Lance and I have found ourselves pleading with bargaining within our prayers that we might be blessed with the opportunity to become pregnant, to become parents, to have a heavenly spirit sent here to us.  As I listened to this talk I realized that we need to stop asking for what we want, but instead to let Heavenly Father give us what he thinks we need, when we need it.  

While we are still hoping these next 24 hours will go without error and that we might get good news tomorrow, I am still okay in knowing that if it isn't this time, it will happen.  Someday. When the time is right.

For more on what we believe click here:   latter-day Saints 

Expensive

One of the things I think that has really hit Lance and I in the past few months is just how expensive this entire process was.  We knew as we pondered the idea of going to a fertility specialist that there was a very good possibility that we would have to do in vitro which would be about $12,000.  Just thinking of that large lump sum had us in panic mode, so we decided to continue with the less expensive option, but just this past week I realized less expensive is all relative.

I went to Target a few days ago to order more contact lenses.  The lady used my insurance and since I have eyemed which pays for a large portion I ended up with a $15.00 bill for a 6 month supply of contacts.  I felt like I was being thrifty and 15 bucks was chump change.  I pulled out my Health Savings Account debt card (which the funds are deducted from my paycheck bimonthly) and figured I had plenty to spare.  A few moments later the lady came back telling me the card had been zeroed out and I still owed $1.53.  WHAT?!?! I had put hundreds upon hundreds of dollars into that account. How can it be completely empty?!  So I grudgingly paid the other $1.53 with my normal debt card.

Lets start from the beginning:
(2011)
1 round of Femara         $6
HCG blood test             $20
Progesterone blood test $20
(2012)
9 rounds of Femara      $36
Lance's Semen Analysis $188
Pregnancy Tests           $50.00
Ovulation Kits               $120.00
Nausea Medication       $67.81
IUI x4 (at OB office)   $ 1120  ($280 a piece)
Initial Consult             $391.64
Xray HSG Test            $138.00
Labs                           $1200.00
Round #5:
Fertility Rx (HCG and Progesterone) $124.78
3 Ultrasounds                $576.00
IUI @ Fertility Center    $350.00


Grand Total:  $4408.23

It amazes me how each payment wasn't super large so I didn't think we had spent much money, but when I calculate it out I am in complete amazement at how much we have spent on trying to get pregnant alone (not to mention the occasional visit to InstaCare).  The next question I'm sure you are all wondering is why isn't insurance paying for any of this?
Well lucky us for having a $1500 per person deductible (which we still haven't hit) because Utah health insurance does not pay to get anyone pregnant or cover infertility so a good portion of these costs weren't even billed to insurance.  I just got a bill directly from the office. 

So a few weeks ago Lance's dad was asking how things were going and jokingly I said "well how bad do you want a grandkid? we are currently accepting donations!"  In all seriousness we are doing okay paying for all of these unexpected and extra expenses, but the thought of having to spend another grand or so doing another IUI, or even 12,000 for in vitro is extremely overwhelming.

*Family: we love you all, but don't expect expensive christmas gifts this year ;)