Sunday, February 17, 2013

hoping for things to align

One of the biggest components to infertility is timing.  Timing that isn't up to us, but the Lord, timing in regards to work, school, finances, emotional readiness, and physical readiness.  I really do believe that it takes all of these areas to click with one another to create the perfect timing for conception and the end result, a baby to enter one's life.  Timing is something I have been trying to understand and cope with over the past 20 months, and the ultimate timing is out of my control!

Understanding that principle I believe is what keeps you sane on this journey. 

In December Lance and I decided to forgo our 8th IUI and take a much needed break.  While we are still very much on a break from anything doctor wise I am back to the planning and plotting and timing in regards to the future.

We spent last night at our good friends house with them and their 3 month old twins who are products of successful in vitro.  Getting a glimpse into their lives and the happiness and joy they now have was contagious.  We discussed their journey in comparison to ours and it only got me more and more excited at the results in vitro can bring.  It was so relieving emotionally to vent and talk about this whole process to someone who understands and can give advise and perspective.

Being in our current situation there is no way financially we can afford to pay for in vitro in full and with building a new house financing the procedure is out of the question at least for now.  So I started investigating alternatives and found pound the pavement for parenthood which does a yearly 5k to help raise money for in vitro.  It got me thinking that sponsoring an event such as this would be a great way to not only raise money but to spread infertility awareness. Thoughts?

Saturday, December 22, 2012

the big debate

Lance and I debated back and forth about the pros and cons to continuing on with our 8th and supposedly final IUI.  We've been going through this fertility battle for the past 18 months and although that isn't as long as other people we know, it's been eternity for us.  Many people wait 12+ months before seeking help from a doctor, we however only waited 4 months... so 14 months of meeting with doctors, being poked and prodded, everything needing to occur like clock work and trying to fit all of these appointments into our hectic schedule = overwhelming. 

Lance suggested skipping on the 8th IUI and just taking the medications.  In this option we would be guarenteed that I would ovulate monthly on a day between 14-16, so we could gauge everything based off of that.  It would only cost is $15 instead of $1000... so it was most definitely a good option.

Another option was to proceed with the 8th IUI as the doctor suggested.  With having already spent thousands of dollars this year and seeing no result we weren't to fond of the idea of disappointment.  Yet again.

The last option was to stop all together.  To stop the nagging clock of fertility and to just breath for a little while, drug free and doctor free.

I was originally set on stopping for a few months after our 6th IUI and waiting until around FEB to begin our In Vitro.  With the doctor suggesting to continue on with 2 more IUIs this plan ultimately fell through. 

I went to work on Wednesday morning and was of course greeting by my period.  I battled all day within my head and outloud with my co-worker who also goes to the same fertility doctor.  He was showing me pictures of his son who was born last week and telling me to press through with in vitro because this is the result. a baby.  Still not being able to make a definite answer about proceeding with our final IUI I called Lance and we began to debate again.  I originally suggested we continue with the last IUI, but not tell anyone (sorry!).  While I am comfortable talking to everyone about it, it does get stressful when 20+ people ask me when am I going to know if I'm pregnant or not... and especially stressful when I have to go back and answer to each individual that I am NOT pregnant.    We decided that since this insemination wouldn't occur until the new year we would be able to afford the procedure.

I called the clinic at 3:30 pm to set my time for my baseline ultrasound for the following day.  They usually call back before they close, but for some reason they didn't.  I spent the majority of Thursday morning wondering if the reason why they didn't call was a sign that we shouldn't go through with it.  Finally at about noon they called and the nurse apologized for not calling sooner.  She also regretted to inform me that there weren't any appointments available at their Murray branch, and the only appointments available in Pleasant Grove was on Friday at 1:45 and 2:30.  Since I was scheduled to work at Primary Childrens at 2:30 there was no way I could make my appointment that takes 30-45 minutes... and make the 40 minute drive back up to Salt Lake City.  I told the nurse I would decide and call her back. 

It was right then that the decision was made.  I was not going to continue with my 8th and final IUI. 

There was still the debate as to whether or not we were going to continue with the medication or not.  Friday I headed down to fort union to do some last minute shopping knowing I could refill my prescription (and needed to that day or else this month was a bust).  I got there and had this feeling just to skip it. So I did.

I am currently hormone and drug free. Having no plans of continuing with any intrauterine inseminations and content with my decision. 

I'm not sure if it was the right decision, but it was the decision that's been made. 

Maybe sometime in the future we will go back and investigate the process of in vitro.  Maybe it'll be in 2 months. Maybe 6 months.  Maybe a year from now.  For now I am trying to learn to enjoy where I am and what I've been blessed with.  A wonderfully supportive amazing, and gorgeous husband.  Two very hyper and crazy puppies.  Being able to pursue my dreams of being a nurse and being finished with nursing school in just 4 short months! The blessing of having a job and working with amazingly supportive friends.  The blessing of being able to build our dream house in our dream location. Being healthy, having a wonderful family, and especially having the knowledge of the gospel.

Monday, December 17, 2012

It's Monday

For all of those who are anxiously awaiting our results they were negative.
We are still debating on continuing with our last intrauterine insemination and dishing out another $1000 or if we should stop entirely or just continue on the medications, but skip on the insemination part.  TBD.

Monday, December 3, 2012

7th time a charm?

One thing that Lance and I found comical the the last time we were at the fertility clinic was the disappointment to having only 1,900,000 sperm "but only need one." I mean think about it. 1.9 million is a freaking ton when you only need ONE, but for whatever reason we never got pregnant. Because the fertility center wants the sperm sample to be >5 million we had to do another IUI. This time, however, we were instructed to double the sample. So lance gave a sample last night before bed and then again this afternoon and after waiting 40 minutes in the office I was finally greeted with our number. Drum roll please... 37,900,000 yes. I said it. 37.9 MILLION swimmers who all looked good. Holy cow that's a lot of swimmers when "all you need is one."

Tuesday, November 27, 2012


Everyone tells me that Clomid is the "deadly drug" when it comes to relationships.  When women are on Clomid their hormones are completely out of wack and they are almost impossible to be around (okay, maybe thats an over-exaggeration, but I hear it's pretty bad).  I just spent my Thanksgiving weekend taking my little round pills of Clomid, and I didn't feel any more hormonal or crazy than usual.   We have our first ultrasound on Friday and will probably perform the insemination over the weekend or on Monday.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Three week wait

Since this past insemination was less than ideal they scheduled an appointment for us to follow up with Dr. Faulk to discuss Lance's low quality and quantity sample.
Last Friday was the day I was supposed to get my blood drawn as a pregnancy test, but I was greeted by my period on Wednesday night. I got a call from the clinic on Friday wondering where I was and that I needed to start things for our next cycle but I was under the impression that we were done with inseminations.

So this month I thought I was going to be drug free. I thought we were done with insemination and I thought we were headed towards IVF. I thought Lance and I were going to take a few months off before we did IVF and I thought this was exactly what was supposed to happen.

But I was wrong.

We went in for our appointment today with Dr. Faulk and he begins to talk to us about what happened last month. I shared my frustration with getting a yeast infection the first month and getting the flu the second month. I shared my frustration with having increased dosage in femara the fertility med and no real increase in the amount of follicles I was releasing.
He discussed what we should do and suggested that we do a double sample this time and for us to do two more inseminations before we move onto IVF.

Basically he was concerned with the slow swimming and low numbers so he plans on giving us a media that will preserve the swimmers for 24 hours and wants us to collect two samples and they will combine them in the lab the day of the inseminations. In addition he changed my medication from Femara to Clomid (per my request... Although he thought I was crazy for suggesting to get on a med that will make me more crazy hormonal, but I just have had the impression for the last couple of months to change to Clomid).

While we were in the meeting lance said he had an overwhelming feeling that doubling up the sample and try again was what we should do... so that's what we are doing.

One thing that we were "worried" about is I am on cycle day 7 (since my period started a week ago) and we figured we would have to wait an entire month before we jumped into the inseminations again but after an ultrasound we discovered that's follicles are still itty bitty and acting like day 1 still so we are good for me to start Clomid today! And do inseminations in a week.

I can honestly say that since discovering the last 6 inseminations didn't work I have felt that in vitro was what was meant to be.  We would have to figure out a way to fork out the $12,000.00 and I was finally okay with the idea of spending such a large amount of money to get a baby.  But with these slight changes in our plan I can honestly say I am so grateful that we are not at that point quiet yet.  We don't HAVE to fork out that amount of money today or tomorrow, maybe one day, but hopefully not.   Sure the inseminations that we are doing are $1000 each, but I've gained a little renewed sense of hope that it will work.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Let the sleepy mornings begin

Ahh the joy (and by joy I mean torture) of the two week wait.  Mainly my disgust is with the progesterone and less with the time line of waiting two weeks to find out the pregnancy results.

Progesterone is a lovely hormone that I have to take nightly as a suppository.  It not only knocks me out for a pleasant nights rest (but eventful in the form of dreams), but it leaves me pretty groggy in the morning which is no bueno when the alarm clock rings at 5:30am. Oh and of course I can't omit the yummy discharge it leaves behind for the remainder of my day.  Needless to say I can't wait to stop taking progesterone, but at the same time trying to learn to suck it up because if the pregnancy test is + progesterone continues for the duration of the first trimester.