As I mentioned earlier I was supposed to call my fertility doctor as soon as my period started. As Lance and I began to look at our schedules we knew that if my cycle was just as it had been (with my fertility medication) I would start my period on day 28 or 29. But since my doctor told me to give my body a rest this month we had NO CLUE what day my cycle was going to start (prior to fertility medication I was at 33-35 days).
Selfish us, planned a trip to St. George with our friends and if my cycle was the normal 33-35 days I would be ovulating during the trip and thus would have to withhold from going.
Tuesday, September 18th I had discussed this dilemma with Lance and so his morning prayer went something like this... please bless us with the opportunity to get pregnant and for everything to work out so we can go to St. George..
After the prayer I smirked and looked at Lance with a "did you really pray for a vacation look" and he responded with, "sometimes you have to be specific with what you want!" haha!
So Tuesday is my 9 hour straight day of school. I packed my backpack with the usual supplies and grabbed my "period kit" just in case (filled with pads and tampons). I wasn't expecting my period to start until Saturday at the earliest, but then again my body is all sorts of confused these days.
After lunch I had a gut feeling that my period might be on its way, and low and behold there it was! Crazy how immediately that prayer was answered!
I quickly grabbed my phone and called the doctors office and anxiously waited 3 hours for them to call me back and set up my baseline ultrasound for the following day.
Wednesday, September 19th I went in for my ultrasound where my ovaries looked like they were producing nice little follicles and my lining was thinned as it should be, and my body was ready to begin this journey for the fifth time.
Since this was my very first time going to the fertility center, the entire experience felt new to me. My medication, Femara, was doubled in dosage to really stimulate those follicles to mature. Next Friday I will go in for my next ultrasound to see if the follicles are mature enough to release. Once they are big enough I will have to give myself an injection of HCG in my booty to stimulate them to release followed for 30 days of vaginal suppositories of Progesterone.
My previous IUI cycles just had me taking Femara, no ultrasounds, no HCG, no progesterone. With all of these aggressive adjustments I hope we see positive results.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Blasting the Tubes
September 5th, 2012
CD 11:
We went to the doctor's office for my HSG test. An HSG test is an xray of the uterus and fallopian tubes where contrast is injected directly into the uterus to watch and see if the tubes will fill. One of the things my fertility Dr. suspected was that my tubes could possibly have a kink in them or be clogged. If a tube's pathway is constricted then the sperm are hitting a brick wall when they try to swim towards the egg.
We waited in the doctors office for 45 minutes until finally Lance couldn't wait anymore and he ran down the stree to do a pest control treatment. Of course just as he left my name was called and I went into the exam room for the procedure. The procedure felt similar to when I had my IUD placed. Theres a bit of cramping as they inject the catheter and dye. As my Dr. injected the dye my uterus began to fill up immediately, but my fallopian tubes were faint in color. With a hard push of the suringe the tubes began to fill quickly. The doctor essentially blew the tubes open. From the xray neither tube was kinked, but some mucous was suspected to be the culprit blocking my tubes.
The next plan was set to call my Fertility Dr. on cycle day one for further instructions...
CD 11:
We went to the doctor's office for my HSG test. An HSG test is an xray of the uterus and fallopian tubes where contrast is injected directly into the uterus to watch and see if the tubes will fill. One of the things my fertility Dr. suspected was that my tubes could possibly have a kink in them or be clogged. If a tube's pathway is constricted then the sperm are hitting a brick wall when they try to swim towards the egg.
We waited in the doctors office for 45 minutes until finally Lance couldn't wait anymore and he ran down the stree to do a pest control treatment. Of course just as he left my name was called and I went into the exam room for the procedure. The procedure felt similar to when I had my IUD placed. Theres a bit of cramping as they inject the catheter and dye. As my Dr. injected the dye my uterus began to fill up immediately, but my fallopian tubes were faint in color. With a hard push of the suringe the tubes began to fill quickly. The doctor essentially blew the tubes open. From the xray neither tube was kinked, but some mucous was suspected to be the culprit blocking my tubes.
The next plan was set to call my Fertility Dr. on cycle day one for further instructions...
The Big Appointment
Monday, August 27, 2012
Things just always have a way of working themselves out... Over the past three weeks Lance and I have debated back and forth about going in and proceeding with our fifth IUI or just holding off this month and waiting for the fertility doctor to give us a better idea of what is going on. I decided that if I had a positive ovulation kit on Saturday or Sunday of last week, then we would go into the office on Monday and have it done. If I didn't get a positive then we would continue on with our trip to Las Vegas as planned and just skip this month. Saturday passed, Sunday passed, and even Monday passed all with negative results. I thought it was a little funny that I hadn't seen a positive, but I just brushed it off and went to Vegas leaving my pee sticks at home. I'm not sure if the positive would have come on Tuesday or Wednesday, but on our way back to Salt Lake this past Sunday I started my period. Rather strange and unusual because it was 8 days EARLY!?!? That has never EVER happened to me. Being on fertility medication is supposed to make me regular, and the shortest cycle I have ever had has been 28 days... here I was at 20 days! Completely shocked and confused I kept asking the whole night "what the freak is wrong!!!" Luckily we had our appointment scheduled for today so I was looking forward to getting some answers.
....
Today was the day we have been waiting the last 8 weeks for... Infertility Consult.
We went all the way down to Pleasant Grove to the Utah Fertility Center to meet with Dr. Faulk. I had great reviews from a few friends and figured seeing a good doctor (who also accepted my insurance) was worth the drive. Once we arrived they took our picture (which I found a little odd), and after 10 minutes of waiting we were escorted back to Dr. Faulk's office. He began to explain that making a baby is really quite simple (haha..)
All it takes to make a baby is 4 things.. Sperm, egg, a uterus, and fallopian tubes. The average for a couple trying to get pregnant for longer than 12 months (which we are at 14 months) is that 90% of couples are pregnant. We are now in that 10%. Basically we can say that we are 90% positive that SOMETHING is wrong. The first thing my OBGYN checked was my ovulation which they discovered back in December wasn't regular, thus I have been on Femara for the last 8 months. After 4 months of being on Femara and still not getting pregnant the next thing that was checked by my OBGYN was Lance's sperm, which isn't all shaped normal, thus we were directed to do Intrauterine Inseminations which allows the sperm a much shorter distance to swim and increases our chances. After "fixing" both of those problems and still not being pregnant we have narrowed the problem to the upper reproductive tract....
For my initial consultation we sat down and discussed the game plan with all of our options, had a full exam (gotta love those with the hubby sitting there! haha!!), a vaginal ultrasound, and blood drawn. With the vaginal ultrasound we discovered there aren't any massive cysts on my ovaries (good), my ovaries have a lot of dark holes which indicates not releasing eggs regularly (which we knew), and that the path to my uterus looks likes a snake or a sideways S (which makes for a triathalon course for the swimmers).
The next test is an HSG test which includes dye being place into the uterus and tubes and an xray is taken to determine if there is a kink or pinch in one of the tubes that is causing the problem.
Now here's where my period coming 8 days early becomes a blessing. The first set of labs that they run on a new patient are done on cycle day 2-3. Because I started my period yesterday that made today CD 2 and I was able to get my blood drawn for a bunch of different tests instead of waiting another week to get the labs drawn. Also because I'm 8 days early I was able to schedule my HSG test for next Wednesday. All in all we were able to move up an entire week in the process because of the little "present" I got yesterday.
After next week depending on what the HSG test shows we have a couple of options.
If the tube is open...
1. We say I haven't gotten pregnant yet due to bad luck and continue with another IUI or two
2. I have surgery to then determine if the problem is with my ovaries (endometriosis)
** If positive for endometriosis: 1) Surgery 2) Skip ahead to IVF
3. We skip ahead to IVF
If the tube is closed...
1. I have surgery to open the tube, then...
a. proceed with IUI
b. skip ahead to IVF
All in all it is pretty crazy and mind blowing how Dr. Faulk literally "makes babies" for a living. The entire atmosphere of the clinic is very optimistic, calming, and hopeful. With numerous baby announcements flooding the walls and the extremely helpful staff it was such an uplifting day after such a long and rollercoaster ride of a journey.
The Do's and Do Not's
Monday, August 13, 2012
I found the following tips from a friend of mine's blog, (which she got from another blog), but I just loved them and wanted to share. Thanks Michelle! :)
Infertility Etiquette
Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.
Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.
The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.
As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.
A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
1. They will eventually conceive a baby.
2. They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
3. They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.
Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.
Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.
Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.
Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.
Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?
Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.
People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.
Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"
Don't Be Crude
It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.
Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.
The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.
Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."
I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.
Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.
Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.
Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.
Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition
Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.
Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.
Don't Push Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.
You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby
Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.
So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.
Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.
Remember Them on Mother's Day
With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.
Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.
Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments
No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.
Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.
Round Number 4
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
So I saw this picture on instagram and can't get over how hilarous it is. It's a pen for a fertility center with little blue sperm swimming toward a pink egg. haha.
I texted him back and said, "Hey. You closed your office today!" his response was that I could
#1 go to the fertlity clinic down the street
#2 have my co-worker RN who also works at his office perform the procedure
#3 wait until the next day (which isn't ideal).
So I said what the heck lets just have Tas do it. We set up the time and all Lance could say was "this is so awkward walking out with the sample and giving it to Tas because she is your friend" and my response was "really Lance? is it awkward? is your friend injecting into your va-jay today?" (TMI...sorry).
So the procedure went just as planned. I even stood in their mini labratory gossiping as she washed the sample. Oh the things other people would find absolutely disgusting, that we think is no big deal.
ATTENTION: This picture might be TMI, but everytime I go into the office I think "why are their bears on the sturrups?" they are holding in my feet. hahaha!
Round Three: Bust
Friday, July 13, 2012
A few weeks ago Lance and I went in to embark on our 3rd IUI. I was supposed to find out this past week, and the result is negatory! It's weird to me how I lack really any emotion other than "well this is lame." I don't know if it is because I've already experienced almost every emotion when it comes to this process and I just didn't believe it was going to happen and thus it wasn't much of a surprise, or if I am just disappointed. Unsure. Well, since we are at our half way point we have a couple big decisions to make. Over the past couple of weeks I have spoken with many of my friend who have gone through similar situations and their last stop was a fertility clinic. Each one of them said "it was the hardest decision I've had to make, but totally worth it." Each one of them went to different fertility clinics and said they were awesome which makes choosing just ONE a little more challenging. The closest and the one I would probably want to go to doesn't accept our insurance, so that was an easy choice. The second closest one has really sketch reviews, so I already said we won't go here, and the third closest one is in ..... PLEASANT GROVE. AH! that is kinda far away!
Lance has been on the "lets see a specialist" train since the 2nd one didn't work, but I've been holding back because I just have never viewed us as the type to be defined as needing a "fertility center," but alas I caved and gave them a call. Good thing I did, because the next soonest appointment is August 27th... which means I will continue at my doctors office completing IUI #4 and #5 before we even get an initial consultation at the clinic. I couldn't even imagine having gone through all 6 IUI treatments... then making the phone call, and then having to wait another 2 months! Needless to say, it is a great backup plan to have an appointment scheduled and hey, if in the next two months we get a +, then YAY and I can just cancel the appointment!
Lance has been on the "lets see a specialist" train since the 2nd one didn't work, but I've been holding back because I just have never viewed us as the type to be defined as needing a "fertility center," but alas I caved and gave them a call. Good thing I did, because the next soonest appointment is August 27th... which means I will continue at my doctors office completing IUI #4 and #5 before we even get an initial consultation at the clinic. I couldn't even imagine having gone through all 6 IUI treatments... then making the phone call, and then having to wait another 2 months! Needless to say, it is a great backup plan to have an appointment scheduled and hey, if in the next two months we get a +, then YAY and I can just cancel the appointment!
Update: Round II
Monday- June 4th
Last weekend I was having slight panic attacks because I was "scheduled" (according to Pink Pad) to ovulate over the holiday weekend. I didn't know if my doctor was going to be in town and if not I would have been outta luck, but LUCKILY the smiley face didn't come until Monday morning. This meant Tuesday was our "golden day" to go into the doctor's office. Round two of IUI was rather humorous. Since the first time I was prepared at home with a specimen cup and lab bag it was easy for Lance to have a little more privacy than this last time. (Hopefully he won't kill me for sharing). We walked into the office and the receptionist immediately asked us for the sample. Since we didn't have it they handed Lance a lab bag and cup and said to bring it back. Lance looked at me completely confused and said... "uhhh.... where am I supposed to go?!" We walked out of the office and down the hall and found the men's room. (Funniest part is its a multi stall.. not an individual..) Lance entered while I waited in a chair outside another office. When Lance walked out of the bathroom I asked if anyone had come in while he was there and he said that a guy had walked in while he was washing his hands and Lance quickly grabbed the lab bag off the counter and hid it so the guy wouldn't think he was CRAZY. (Luckily that guy turned out to be my doctor.. so it wouldn't have been that weird). We argued back and forth for 15 minutes about whether it was "awkward" for Lance to enter back into the office after obtaining his "sample." The conversation ended with Lance needing to go to work and I stayed at the office for the next 40 minutes solo. Round two went pretty much exactly the same as round one... One interesting fact, however, is today (June 3rd) while Lance was driving home from Sunday dinner at dads his dad called him wondering about how our "trying process" had been going. We haven't talked much to our families about the intrauterine insemination or what they really entail, but Lance went on to tell him that this past Tuesday we had gone into the doctor's office. Elliott responded with saying what a coincidence it was that we went into the office on Tuesday, because on that same day he randomly thought of us and the situation we are in and had an overwhelming GOOD feeling.
Crazy huh! The same day we went in he had that impression... without even knowing what we were doing! Oh let's hope that's good luck!
Last weekend I was having slight panic attacks because I was "scheduled" (according to Pink Pad) to ovulate over the holiday weekend. I didn't know if my doctor was going to be in town and if not I would have been outta luck, but LUCKILY the smiley face didn't come until Monday morning. This meant Tuesday was our "golden day" to go into the doctor's office. Round two of IUI was rather humorous. Since the first time I was prepared at home with a specimen cup and lab bag it was easy for Lance to have a little more privacy than this last time. (Hopefully he won't kill me for sharing). We walked into the office and the receptionist immediately asked us for the sample. Since we didn't have it they handed Lance a lab bag and cup and said to bring it back. Lance looked at me completely confused and said... "uhhh.... where am I supposed to go?!" We walked out of the office and down the hall and found the men's room. (Funniest part is its a multi stall.. not an individual..) Lance entered while I waited in a chair outside another office. When Lance walked out of the bathroom I asked if anyone had come in while he was there and he said that a guy had walked in while he was washing his hands and Lance quickly grabbed the lab bag off the counter and hid it so the guy wouldn't think he was CRAZY. (Luckily that guy turned out to be my doctor.. so it wouldn't have been that weird). We argued back and forth for 15 minutes about whether it was "awkward" for Lance to enter back into the office after obtaining his "sample." The conversation ended with Lance needing to go to work and I stayed at the office for the next 40 minutes solo. Round two went pretty much exactly the same as round one... One interesting fact, however, is today (June 3rd) while Lance was driving home from Sunday dinner at dads his dad called him wondering about how our "trying process" had been going. We haven't talked much to our families about the intrauterine insemination or what they really entail, but Lance went on to tell him that this past Tuesday we had gone into the doctor's office. Elliott responded with saying what a coincidence it was that we went into the office on Tuesday, because on that same day he randomly thought of us and the situation we are in and had an overwhelming GOOD feeling.
Crazy huh! The same day we went in he had that impression... without even knowing what we were doing! Oh let's hope that's good luck!
What to expect...
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Last night Lance and I went to go see "what to expect when you're expecting." While it wasn't the greatest of storyline, the actual moments each soon-to-be mother had was so realistic. In hopes to not ruin the movie for you, each scenario that COULD happen is showcased in the movie with a different couple. Some struggling to have children of their own and others surprised by the + on their pregnancy test. There were numerous moments when I felt as if the movie was portraying exactly how I felt- sad, longing, confused, and hopeful. While there were other moments I prayed that my pregnancy or entrance into motherhood would exemplify- love, gratefulness, overwhelming joy, happiness, a glow.
After the movie and as I was getting ready for bed I stumbled upon a "wavy hair tutorial" on pintrest. It was linked to a lovely blog and as I scanned the blog for more interesting post and tutorials I came upon this post. A Latter-day Saint mother who has three children of her own, but suffered a miscarriage a month ago. She expresses the story of what happened along with how she felt about the entire situation. Many of the words expressed were exactly what I've been feeling while others are feelings I hope to never have to endure. What am absolute amazing woman for handling such a difficult struggle with such hope and faith. Her perspective of relating it to Jesus Christ and his suffering had me in tears as I read the entire story aloud to Lance.
heres a link to her story: Dear Emmie's Story
** I guess I should note to those that don't typically read our blog that no, we did not have a miscarriage. We've just had some fertility problems and are in the process of intrauterine inseminations.
Mother's Day
As the day progressed at work I was just excited to go home and spend the day with my husband. I was also anticipating Mother's day (or the day after to be more specific) because it would be on the day after that Lance and I could possibly find out that I will be a mom. What a great Mother's Day present! Right? For whatever reason, however, I did find out that I will not, be a mother, at least 9 months from Mother's Day.
While at work I tried to compose myself enough to not start bawling at my little corner cubby computer. I tried to be the happy and optimistic self I had been just a mere few minutes before, but all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball (partially because of cramps) and cry with a big bowl of ice cream.
I spend the next 4 hours of my shift staring at facebook looking at the posts dedicated to mothers, and soon to be mommys- angry.
Since everything that was
I understand that this wasn't guarenteed to work the first time, and that it might take 3-6 times for it to work, but after KNOWING it didn't work I'm a little bitter thinking about the medical bill associated with the 'failed' procedure (that isn't covered by insurance at all).
-- Today while at Target I saw this beautiful black curly haired baby wrapped up in the arms of a beautiful brown haired white lady. It was then I thought, maybe that will be me one day. What will Lance and I do if we continue with IUI and it doesn't work? In vitro? Adoption? and when and can we even afford it? --
I started Femara (my fertility medication) day one today. 4 more days, then wait another weeka and I guess we will see if round two of IUI will be successful.
Just a Quickie
As my OB describes it, intrauterine insemination is "a new way to look at a quickie." Today was my first day doing IUI. It got a little hectic because you can't plan what day you'll need to go into the office until your stick gives you a smiley face. With my pharmacology final this morning at 8am, I was a little nervous and stressed trying to figure out how to take my final, meet Lance before he left for work at 9:40 and didn't come home until 1pm and I would leave for work at 2. Luckily it all worked out. I finished my 120 question pharmacology final in one hour, drove home quickly, then rushed off (literally going 80-85 on the highway) towards Alta View Hospital. My logic was "if i get pulled over I will whip this specimen cup out from my armpit and say 'if i don't make it to the doctors office in the next 20 minutes these swimmers will die and I will have missed my chance at conceiving a child, do you (officer) want that on your conscious?'" Once at the doctors office I waited impatiently until I was called. They took the specimen and spun it down "washing" the sperm of all the thick fluid (which is the reason we can't conceive normally) and then inserted them into a syringe attached to a catheter (or straw). I went into the office. Bing bam boom. The insertion was complete in literally 30 seconds. Then I just had to lay there for 20 minutes giving the swimmers a head start against gravity for when I would stand up. Definitely not the most romantic way to conceive a child, but at least now I can say I know the actual date of conception (that is of course if I get pregnant the first time. It typically takes 6 times for a person to get pregnant.)
This whole experience reminds me of a talk that was given at ward as well as stake conference. It was about taking the time to look at the brighter side of any situation. We are the ones who determine if we choose to be happy or choose to be upset. If we all have hope that things will work out, they will. I know many people who could/have been in this situation and ask "why!," but I know the Lord has his own timing with everything and he will bless us/everyone tenfold if we are patient and have hope.
Nesting
There are time when I think I am NESTING, even without being pregnant.
Evidence through my recent purchase:
Of course just walking around Seagall Books is probably something I should limit, but for $2.99 how could I NOT buy this?
The week before our cruise I kept taking tests, each with a -, I went on the cruise and it wasn't until the 2nd day that I actually started. PERFECT timing huh? ;) I guess not taking my fertility meds is a no no, a 40 day cycle instead of my usual 28... woops.
Well speaking of nesting... for some strange reason I keep having these thoughts of how Lance and I are going to have twins. Obviously if we are having trouble with just one two would be inconceivable, but regardless I just keep thinking how "awesome" it would be. Hence the stroller I want....
Look at how many OPTIONS there are!
The Beginning..
I've been tempted to blog about this for months now, but thought it was premature. Now that we are in our current situation I feel as if its a little more appropriate.
The very common and extremely annoying question EVERYONE asks a newlywed couple... SO When are you having KIDS? I have learned over the past year is a question people should just STOP asking.
Experience #1: cute couple in our ward with the boy Lance's age and the girl my age. The boy came over to check out our basement and to my better judgment I decided to ask when they were going to start having kids.. he responded with "Actually, we had a tubular pregnancy last week which ended in a miscarriage."
*Note to self. Never ask people again if they are pregnant or when they will have kids...even if I'm dying to know.
Experience #2: A teacher I'm extremely fond on from high school has a blog all about her journey with TTC (trying to conceive). At first I thought.. wow this is way too personal for me to read. I can't believe she is brave enough to openly blog about her inability to have children. Of course, the blog sucked me in and now she is 7 days away from delivering twin boys she conceived through her 2nd round of In Vitro. Congrats to her!!!
Why is this relevant for those who don't know? Well both I feel are applicable to Lance and me.
#1- I HATE when people ask me when we are going to have kids. When it happens, believe me, I will LET YOU KNOW. Until then, enjoy all the pictures we post about our puppies... they are cute.
#2-I made a blog post last May when Lance and I decided we were going to try and have a baby, but never posted it because I was scared to what questions we might receive. Well now its been 11 months and we still are not pregnant.
Let me backtrack-
When Lance and I got married we decided that we wouldn't have a baby until after I was finished with nursing school which was supposed to be 3 years from when our wedding day. Last summer I decided that I wasn't going to do the nursing program I had once planned but instead enroll in SLCC program. SLCC has a 2 year waiting list and a 2 year program. Waiting 5 years from wedding to baby wasn't really in the cards for Lance and I so we decided that during the wait list time we would have a baby and that way the baby would be old enough to "handle" by the time I started nursing school. I got my job with IHC along with full health insurance in March... you have to be with a company for a full year to take off 12 week leave.. so the 1st of June my IUD came out (so the baby soonest would be due in March).
May was a long month since we had made the decision, but had yet to remove the goalie. Once I went to the Dr. and he informed me we needed to wait another month before trying because my lining needed a month to fully develop and shed as normal, if we didn't wait there was a higher chance of miscarriage... we kinda waited, but July came with another negative.
August I was 8 days late and of course thinking +++, but another - it was. Thank heavens I work for a hospital and with a Nurse who is my OBGYN's stepdaughter/office nurse. From talking to her she suspected I wasn't regular and needed to do an ovulation kit to make sure I was ovulating. September, October and November were all "regular" @ 33 days but with all - results. With my Dr. checking my progesterone in November which indicated I was ovulating, but my number wasn't as high as he would have liked it.
December came at 28 days and I was freaking out. How could I be so regular over the last 3 months and all of a sudden now I'm EARLY?!?! At this point my Dr. put me on Femara which is a fertility medication similar to the typical Clomid. It was determined at that point that I was ovulating, but not regularly. Perfect timing... being on a fertility medication that makes you super emotional...while on a boys basketball trip for A WEEK. Needless to say, my patience was OUT the window by the time we got home.
January and February went as planned with 28/29 day cycles and still a -. Since everything was figured out with me the next step was to check Lance. Lance went in for his semen analysis the beginning of February and his results indicated that 59% of his swimmers were abnormal (when only 40% or lower should be) and his viscosity was high.. meaning he only had 41% of sperm that could make a baby, but they were trying to swim through jello. Because of this my Dr. wanted him to go to a fertility clinic and check how well the sperm could swim and if fertilization would be possible. The next week Lance went in and his results weren't great. The want the motility of viable sperm to be between 5-14% anything less than 5% means the man is infertile and can't have kids... Lance is AT 5%. Not good.
From the beginning of our journey until just last month I have been in tears each time I see another -, while Lance has been the most supportive, open minded person always saying it'll happen, don't worry, it'll happen. Since finding out our issues are not with my biological clock, but with his body, he has struggled a lot and more than ever wants to have a child of our own.
Our next step is artificial insemination where they take a sperm sample, wash away all the stickiness and then inject it with a catheter into the uterus. Of course my Dr. told me to stay on Femara, my fertility meds and that we would be doing Artificial Insemination for the next 3-6 months.. until we got pregnant or until we needed to try something else. Naturally, I got really sick the week of my period, puking my guts out and forgot to fill my prescription. So this month I didn't ovulate, and we missed our chance until next month...
When you get married, you never think an issue such as infertility is going to happen to you. Every month I've tried to come to the realization that it isn't MY decision when we have a child, but the Lord's decision. Those who have offered their advice always say something along the lines of "this is the trial you were supposed to have" or "everything will work out," but at the same time its hard having to put a number day of your cycle to every calendar day. To know what you need to be doing in regards to fertility that day or week or month. It consumes every bit of my mind and while I hope others don't have to endure the same situation we have been in, I am envious as ever to those around me who get pregnant on a whim or have the easiest of pregnancies as well as those who I see, especially at work, who appear to not be the greatest parents or treat their children rotten. How can those people be blessed with a child, but the people who would sacrifice anything to have a child are the ones childless?
All in all it has definitely been a humbling experience and I appologize to those who we have left in the dark in regards to TTC, especially our family members. We love you and didn't want to worry/excite you!
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