The Beginning..

I've been tempted to blog about this for months now, but thought it was premature.  Now that we are in our current situation I feel as if its a little more appropriate.  

The very common and extremely annoying question EVERYONE asks a newlywed couple... SO When are you having KIDS? I have learned over the past year is a question people should just STOP asking.

Experience #1: cute couple in our ward with the boy Lance's age and the girl my age.  The boy came over to check out our basement and to my better judgment I decided to ask when they were going to start having kids.. he responded with "Actually, we had a tubular pregnancy last week which ended in a miscarriage." 

*Note to self. Never ask people again if they are pregnant or when they will have kids...even if I'm dying to know.

Experience #2: A teacher I'm extremely fond on from high school has a blog all about her journey with TTC (trying to conceive).  At first I thought.. wow this is way too personal for me to read. I can't believe she is brave enough to openly blog about her inability to  have children.  Of course, the blog sucked me in and now she is 7 days away from delivering twin boys she conceived through her 2nd round of In Vitro. Congrats to her!!!

Why is this relevant for those who don't know? Well both I feel are applicable to Lance and me.

#1- I HATE when people ask me when we are going to have kids.  When it happens, believe me, I will LET YOU KNOW.  Until then, enjoy all the pictures we post about our puppies... they are cute.

#2-I made a blog post last May when Lance and I decided we were going to try and have a baby, but never posted it because I was scared to what questions we might receive.  Well now its been 11 months and we still are not pregnant.

Let me backtrack-

When Lance and I got married we decided that we wouldn't have a baby until after I was finished with nursing school which was supposed to be 3 years from when our wedding day.  Last summer I decided that I wasn't going to do the nursing program I had once planned but instead enroll in SLCC program.  SLCC has a 2 year waiting list and a 2 year program.  Waiting 5 years from wedding to baby wasn't really in the cards for Lance and I so we decided that during the wait list time we would have a baby and that way the baby would be old enough to "handle" by the time I started nursing school.  I got my job with IHC along with full health insurance in March... you have to be with a company for a full year to take off 12 week leave.. so the 1st of June my IUD came out (so the baby soonest would be due in March). 

May was a long month since we had made the decision, but had yet to remove the goalie. Once I went to the Dr. and he informed me we needed to wait another month before trying because my lining needed a month to fully develop and shed as normal, if we didn't wait there was a higher chance of miscarriage... we kinda waited, but July came with another negative. 

August I was 8 days late and of course thinking +++, but another - it was.  Thank heavens I work for a hospital and with a Nurse who is my OBGYN's stepdaughter/office nurse.  From talking to her she suspected I wasn't regular and needed to do an ovulation kit to make sure I was ovulating. September, October and November were all "regular" @ 33 days  but with all - results. With my Dr. checking my progesterone in November which indicated I was ovulating, but my number wasn't as high as he would have liked it.

December came at 28 days and I was freaking out.  How could I be so regular over the last 3 months and all of a sudden now I'm EARLY?!?! At this point my Dr. put me on Femara which is a fertility medication similar to the typical Clomid.  It was determined at that point that I was ovulating, but not regularly.  Perfect timing... being on a fertility medication that makes you super emotional...while on a boys basketball trip for A WEEK. Needless to say, my patience was OUT the window by the time we got home.

January and February went as planned with 28/29 day cycles and still a -. Since everything was figured out with me the next step was to check Lance.  Lance went in for his semen analysis the beginning of February and his results indicated that 59% of his swimmers were abnormal (when only 40% or lower should be) and his viscosity was high.. meaning he only had 41% of sperm that could make a baby, but they were trying to swim through jello.  Because of this my Dr. wanted him to go to a fertility clinic and check how well the sperm could swim and if fertilization would be possible.  The next week Lance went in and his results weren't great.  The want the motility of viable sperm to be between 5-14% anything less than 5% means the man is infertile and can't have kids...  Lance is AT 5%. Not good. 

From the beginning of our journey until just last month I have been in tears each time I see another -, while Lance has been the most supportive, open minded person always saying it'll happen, don't worry, it'll happen.  Since finding out our issues are not with my biological clock, but with his body, he has struggled a lot and more than ever wants to have a child of our own. 

Our next step is artificial insemination where they take a sperm sample, wash away all the stickiness and then inject it with a catheter into the uterus.  Of course my Dr. told me to stay on Femara, my fertility meds and that we would be doing Artificial Insemination for the next 3-6 months.. until we got pregnant or until we needed to try something else.  Naturally, I got really sick the week of my period, puking my guts out and forgot to fill my prescription.  So this month I didn't ovulate, and we missed our chance until next month...

When you get married, you never think an issue such as infertility is going to happen to you.  Every month I've tried to come to the realization that it isn't MY decision when we have a child, but the Lord's decision.  Those who have offered their advice always say something along the lines of "this is the trial you were supposed to have" or "everything will work out," but at the same time its hard having to put a number day of your cycle to every calendar day. To know what you need to be doing in regards to fertility that day or week or month.  It consumes every bit of my mind and while I hope others don't have to endure the same situation we have been in, I am envious as ever to those around me who get pregnant on a whim or have the easiest of pregnancies as well as those who I see, especially at work, who appear to not be the greatest parents or treat their children rotten.  How can those people be blessed with a child, but the people who would sacrifice anything to have a child are the ones childless?

All in all it has definitely been a humbling experience and I appologize to those who we have left in the dark in regards to TTC, especially our family members. We love you and didn't want to worry/excite you!