Thursday, September 20, 2012

Mother's Day

I started out viewing Mother's Day as just the greatest day.  A day to celebrate all of the amazing female examples in my life- those that have made an extraordinary impact on the person I am today.  I was extremely happy and content even though I had to miss church to go to work.  I didn't mind because I was giving those mother's who had children time to celebrate with them- it was their day.

As the day progressed at work I was just excited to go home and spend the day with my husband.  I was also anticipating Mother's day (or the day after to be more specific) because it would be on the day after that Lance and I could possibly find out that I will be a mom.  What a great Mother's Day present! Right?   For whatever reason, however, I did find out that I will not, be a mother, at least 9 months from Mother's Day. 

While at work I tried to compose myself enough to not start bawling at my little corner cubby computer. I tried to be the happy and optimistic self I had been just a mere few minutes before, but all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball (partially because of cramps) and cry with a big bowl of ice cream.

I spend the next 4 hours of my shift staring at facebook looking at the posts dedicated to mothers, and soon to be mommys- angry.

Since everything that was wrong with our fertility situation seemed like it could be fixed with Intraunterine Insemination I was THRILLED to do it.  I was so excited and wanted to talk about it to everyone because I thought it was going to work.  I didn't think I needed a few months of IUI's to make it work- I just thought in 2 weeks. I'll be carrying my baby. But I'm not, and it didn't work the first time.  

I understand that this wasn't guarenteed to work the first time, and that it might take 3-6 times for it to work, but after KNOWING it didn't work I'm a little bitter thinking about the medical bill associated with the 'failed' procedure (that isn't covered by insurance at all).

-- Today while at Target I saw this beautiful black curly haired baby wrapped up in the arms of a beautiful brown haired white lady. It was then I thought, maybe that will be me one day. What will Lance and I do if we continue with IUI and it doesn't work? In vitro? Adoption? and when and can we even afford it? --

I started Femara (my fertility medication) day one today.  4 more days, then wait another weeka and I guess we will see if round two of IUI will be successful.

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