the big debate

Lance and I debated back and forth about the pros and cons to continuing on with our 8th and supposedly final IUI.  We've been going through this fertility battle for the past 18 months and although that isn't as long as other people we know, it's been eternity for us.  Many people wait 12+ months before seeking help from a doctor, we however only waited 4 months... so 14 months of meeting with doctors, being poked and prodded, everything needing to occur like clock work and trying to fit all of these appointments into our hectic schedule = overwhelming. 

Lance suggested skipping on the 8th IUI and just taking the medications.  In this option we would be guarenteed that I would ovulate monthly on a day between 14-16, so we could gauge everything based off of that.  It would only cost is $15 instead of $1000... so it was most definitely a good option.

Another option was to proceed with the 8th IUI as the doctor suggested.  With having already spent thousands of dollars this year and seeing no result we weren't to fond of the idea of disappointment.  Yet again.

The last option was to stop all together.  To stop the nagging clock of fertility and to just breath for a little while, drug free and doctor free.

I was originally set on stopping for a few months after our 6th IUI and waiting until around FEB to begin our In Vitro.  With the doctor suggesting to continue on with 2 more IUIs this plan ultimately fell through. 

I went to work on Wednesday morning and was of course greeting by my period.  I battled all day within my head and outloud with my co-worker who also goes to the same fertility doctor.  He was showing me pictures of his son who was born last week and telling me to press through with in vitro because this is the result. a baby.  Still not being able to make a definite answer about proceeding with our final IUI I called Lance and we began to debate again.  I originally suggested we continue with the last IUI, but not tell anyone (sorry!).  While I am comfortable talking to everyone about it, it does get stressful when 20+ people ask me when am I going to know if I'm pregnant or not... and especially stressful when I have to go back and answer to each individual that I am NOT pregnant.    We decided that since this insemination wouldn't occur until the new year we would be able to afford the procedure.

I called the clinic at 3:30 pm to set my time for my baseline ultrasound for the following day.  They usually call back before they close, but for some reason they didn't.  I spent the majority of Thursday morning wondering if the reason why they didn't call was a sign that we shouldn't go through with it.  Finally at about noon they called and the nurse apologized for not calling sooner.  She also regretted to inform me that there weren't any appointments available at their Murray branch, and the only appointments available in Pleasant Grove was on Friday at 1:45 and 2:30.  Since I was scheduled to work at Primary Childrens at 2:30 there was no way I could make my appointment that takes 30-45 minutes... and make the 40 minute drive back up to Salt Lake City.  I told the nurse I would decide and call her back. 

It was right then that the decision was made.  I was not going to continue with my 8th and final IUI. 

There was still the debate as to whether or not we were going to continue with the medication or not.  Friday I headed down to fort union to do some last minute shopping knowing I could refill my prescription (and needed to that day or else this month was a bust).  I got there and had this feeling just to skip it. So I did.

I am currently hormone and drug free. Having no plans of continuing with any intrauterine inseminations and content with my decision. 

I'm not sure if it was the right decision, but it was the decision that's been made. 

Maybe sometime in the future we will go back and investigate the process of in vitro.  Maybe it'll be in 2 months. Maybe 6 months.  Maybe a year from now.  For now I am trying to learn to enjoy where I am and what I've been blessed with.  A wonderfully supportive amazing, and gorgeous husband.  Two very hyper and crazy puppies.  Being able to pursue my dreams of being a nurse and being finished with nursing school in just 4 short months! The blessing of having a job and working with amazingly supportive friends.  The blessing of being able to build our dream house in our dream location. Being healthy, having a wonderful family, and especially having the knowledge of the gospel.

It's Monday

For all of those who are anxiously awaiting our results they were negative.
We are still debating on continuing with our last intrauterine insemination and dishing out another $1000 or if we should stop entirely or just continue on the medications, but skip on the insemination part.  TBD.

7th time a charm?

One thing that Lance and I found comical the the last time we were at the fertility clinic was the disappointment to having only 1,900,000 sperm "but only need one." I mean think about it. 1.9 million is a freaking ton when you only need ONE, but for whatever reason we never got pregnant. Because the fertility center wants the sperm sample to be >5 million we had to do another IUI. This time, however, we were instructed to double the sample. So lance gave a sample last night before bed and then again this afternoon and after waiting 40 minutes in the office I was finally greeted with our number. Drum roll please... 37,900,000 yes. I said it. 37.9 MILLION swimmers who all looked good. Holy cow that's a lot of swimmers when "all you need is one."

Clomid-Showmed

Everyone tells me that Clomid is the "deadly drug" when it comes to relationships.  When women are on Clomid their hormones are completely out of wack and they are almost impossible to be around (okay, maybe thats an over-exaggeration, but I hear it's pretty bad).  I just spent my Thanksgiving weekend taking my little round pills of Clomid, and I didn't feel any more hormonal or crazy than usual.   We have our first ultrasound on Friday and will probably perform the insemination over the weekend or on Monday.

Three week wait

Since this past insemination was less than ideal they scheduled an appointment for us to follow up with Dr. Faulk to discuss Lance's low quality and quantity sample.
Last Friday was the day I was supposed to get my blood drawn as a pregnancy test, but I was greeted by my period on Wednesday night. I got a call from the clinic on Friday wondering where I was and that I needed to start things for our next cycle but I was under the impression that we were done with inseminations.

So this month I thought I was going to be drug free. I thought we were done with insemination and I thought we were headed towards IVF. I thought Lance and I were going to take a few months off before we did IVF and I thought this was exactly what was supposed to happen.

But I was wrong.

We went in for our appointment today with Dr. Faulk and he begins to talk to us about what happened last month. I shared my frustration with getting a yeast infection the first month and getting the flu the second month. I shared my frustration with having increased dosage in femara the fertility med and no real increase in the amount of follicles I was releasing.
He discussed what we should do and suggested that we do a double sample this time and for us to do two more inseminations before we move onto IVF.

Basically he was concerned with the slow swimming and low numbers so he plans on giving us a media that will preserve the swimmers for 24 hours and wants us to collect two samples and they will combine them in the lab the day of the inseminations. In addition he changed my medication from Femara to Clomid (per my request... Although he thought I was crazy for suggesting to get on a med that will make me more crazy hormonal, but I just have had the impression for the last couple of months to change to Clomid).

While we were in the meeting lance said he had an overwhelming feeling that doubling up the sample and try again was what we should do... so that's what we are doing.

One thing that we were "worried" about is I am on cycle day 7 (since my period started a week ago) and we figured we would have to wait an entire month before we jumped into the inseminations again but after an ultrasound we discovered that's follicles are still itty bitty and acting like day 1 still so we are good for me to start Clomid today! And do inseminations in a week.

I can honestly say that since discovering the last 6 inseminations didn't work I have felt that in vitro was what was meant to be.  We would have to figure out a way to fork out the $12,000.00 and I was finally okay with the idea of spending such a large amount of money to get a baby.  But with these slight changes in our plan I can honestly say I am so grateful that we are not at that point quiet yet.  We don't HAVE to fork out that amount of money today or tomorrow, maybe one day, but hopefully not.   Sure the inseminations that we are doing are $1000 each, but I've gained a little renewed sense of hope that it will work.

Let the sleepy mornings begin

Ahh the joy (and by joy I mean torture) of the two week wait.  Mainly my disgust is with the progesterone and less with the time line of waiting two weeks to find out the pregnancy results.

Progesterone is a lovely hormone that I have to take nightly as a suppository.  It not only knocks me out for a pleasant nights rest (but eventful in the form of dreams), but it leaves me pretty groggy in the morning which is no bueno when the alarm clock rings at 5:30am. Oh and of course I can't omit the yummy discharge it leaves behind for the remainder of my day.  Needless to say I can't wait to stop taking progesterone, but at the same time trying to learn to suck it up because if the pregnancy test is + progesterone continues for the duration of the first trimester. 

Last and Final IUI

Going into this last and final IUI I have been excited as the possibility of it working and finally being finished, but at the same time scared of it not working and the reevaluation process that will have to take place.  Yesterday was the day.  The FINAL IUI.  Time number 6.

Lance went in at 2:00 to collect and I followed up at 3:30 for the insemination part.  After waiting 10 minutes in the waiting room my name was called and was ushered to exam room one where I got ready and on the table I sat.  After a few minutes a lady popped her head in to tell me they were still preparing the sample and it would be another 10 minutes.  The LONGEST ten minutes ever!  Finally she walked back in and instead of jumping into the procedure she sat down and went over the numbers.

She started the conversation with.."have you talked to your husband since he left?"  confused at why that mattered I said no not really and she preceded to tell me how the sample he had collected was less than optimal. 

Our 5th cycle the numbers were:

2 ml in volume            12 million sperm           low motility (which is normal for us)

Our 6th cycle numbers were:

0.7ml in volume           1.9 million sperm         low motility.

Because of this drastic change they weren't sure if he just delivered a bad sample or if those were his honest numbers.  Ideally they want any insemination they perform to to have more than 5 million sperm.  Since we were under 2 million she said it was less than optimal.  She would perform the procedure but not charge us for it. 

We would schedule an appointment to regroup with our doctor a few days after my blood test (which is 2 1/2 weeks from right now). 

She then went on to say... "while this isn't ideal, you STILL have over a million sperm, and you only need ONE."

I'm pretty sure she was trying to be optimistic about everything but to be honest it made things a little more frustrating.   We only need one... what a concept.  Out of all the months and months we've tried and the billions of sperm who have been exposed to my eggs, I've only needed one to work, and instead of ONE working, billions have failed.

Needless to say I left the clinic a little frustrated and discouraged about the entire situation.
I mentioned to Lance last night that it feels like since we've been doing things at the clinic our situation had only gotten more and more complex and difficult.  I told him I felt as if all of our IUI cycles at my OBGYN were just a breeze, take a pill for 5 days and come in to the office a week later.  Since having gone to the fertility clinic the first cycle I was bombarded with a yeast infection right around ovulation time and hormones that made me psychotic.  The second cycle I needed to take additional hormones, estrogen, to increase my lining, and ended up with the stomach flu the week of ovulation, and now a "less than ideal" sample.  Maybe we have facing greater opposition because we are getting closer to having a baby?  Maybe this is my body telling me we need to take some R&R and forgo all these treatments.  I'm not sure, but we will find out on the 16th what our next path with consist of.  1) Baby.  2) no baby and some R&R,   3) No baby, pressing though with In Vitro. 

instacare = instabetter

A few hours after I got home from my appointment and had taken my estrogen I began to feel extremely nauseated.  I figured it was not a big deal, so I continued along and made dinner for Lance and I.  As I was finishing up cooking I became unbearably nauseous and chose to lay and watch TV in my bed instead of eat.  I tried chicken noodle soup, cup of noodles, toast, ect. nothing tasted good or relieved the churning feeling in my belly.  Soon after that I began my journey and friendship with my toilet, a very very close friendship for the remainder of the night and all into the following morning. 

I am not one to throw up on que.  I typically and just extremely nauseous and then have to gag myself to expel the grossness, but this time was definitely different.  I would sleep in bed for an hour and then jump up, run to the bathroom, and immediately expel my insides. Phenergan made me sleepy enough, but didn't cure the constant puking. 

Tuesday I spent the day in bed trying to rest my belly, but the acids were still churning away making me feel awful.  I tried some more soup, toast, a pear... after a bite I would hand it to my dear sweet husband who took the time to prepare it and say "sorry... can you eat it?"  It wasn't until about 5pm on Tuesday that I was able to eat.  1 ego waffle.  nutritious.. I know ;)

Feeling a little better, but still nauseous I made my way to my clinical rotation Wednesday.  I was hungry for the entire day, but couldn't get myself to eat a thing.  At lunch I bargained with the cafeteria to make me some rice, but was only able to eat a couple bites before I was "full".  I even went a little crazy and attempted a couple spoon fulls of taco soup! 
It wasn't until Wednesday night when my cravings got the best of me and Lance got me a happy meal from McDonalds as we drove to our friend's house for a Halloween gathering.  While I was there my stomach was so upset I couldn't sit up, I had to lay flat... weird I know.

3:30 am Thursday morning came too soon.  It was my scheduled time for my HCG injection.  I was still SOOOO nauseous and out of it that I gave MYSELF the shot, and then puked up that not so happy meal. 

Thursday I woke up at 9 am still feeling awful and unsure if I had the typical flu (since no one else around me was sick) or if I had food poisoning or if it was the estrogen that was making me sick.  I made my way down to the Holladay Instacare where the doctor also could NOT figure out what was wrong with me. 

They decided I needed some fluids so we hooked up an IV and in 2 liters of fluids went!  In addition I was given some IV Zofran for the nausea... I am now a true BELIEVER in IV Zofran!!! It was a miracle worker.  Slightly knocked me into la-la-land state, but it made the nausea go away!  I was also given some mylanta.  The doctor thought since I had been puking so much my stomach was on the super acidic side and mylanta would numb everything up and neutralize the acids, which it did wonders. 

I spent a good 3 hours at instacare, but it was well worth it.  I was even able to eat some chicken noodle soup for lunch and dinner without any issues!

Follicle Stimulating Ultrasound

Today I went in for my follicle stimulating ultrasound.  Things lately have been a little hectic (to say the least).  Last Monday I went in for my baseline US and everything looked good.  We decided to increase my Femara (fertility medication similar to clomid) to 7.5 mg (which is triple from my original dosage).  Since last cycle we increased it to 5.0mg and I still only had one mature egg we decided to up it one more time to see if we could get a couple of mature follicles. 
Last time I had ultrasounds on cycle days 11 and 13 with the insemination on day 16.  Today was cycle day 12 and I was a little nervous because I didn't want to have to come in AGAIN for a second ultrasound and another $200. 
Last Friday I called the fertility clinic and had them switch my appointment from 9:30 this morning to 3:30 in the afternoon due to my work schedule.  I was a little bummed at the idea of having to drive all the way down to pleasant grove again after work, but figured there wasn't another option. 

This morning at 5 am I received a call from work letting me know I was going to be cancelled for the day (which NEVER happens).  So relieved I put my head back on the pillow and slept in until 8:30!  Once I was conscious enough to use my phone I called the clinic back and had my appointment switched back to 9:30 at their Murray site. 

Once I arrived at the clinic I barely had enough time to flip open the Better Homes and Gardens magazine before my name was called and I was brought back to the exam room.  After a quick and routine undressing from the waist down I sat impatiently waiting for the nurse practitioner.  Once she entered we immediately began to discuss how the increased dose of Femara had worked.  I told her my cycle had only lasted for 3 days and then for some bizarre reason I spotted for 7 days after that.  The nurse practitioner was a little concerned with the unusual spotting and as she began the ultrasound the uterine lining became her number one concern.  Laying there helpless and watching her squinting eyes examine the screen had my heart racing.  Finally after what seemed like eternity she said my lining was looking normal, but a little on the thinner side.  She was to prescribe me estrogen to help build the lining. 

Next she navigated over to the right ovary and was instantly greeted by a 20mm egg. Keeping my fingers crossed she traveled over to the left ovary where it took a little more investigating before she could find the follicles. A 12mm, 13mm, and 14mm sat on my left ovary.  None mature enough to release, but maybe in the next couple of days they will grow up.  At this point I am a little sad at the fact that we aren't having another US to see if those follicles mature, but I guess there is security in knowing we have at least one mature follicle.

After the ultrasound I met the nurse and nurse practitioner outside the exam room and the NP handed me a prescription slip for the estrogen.  During her explanation she stated that they were tablets, just like a normal pill, but that she wanted me to insert them vaginally and apologized for how weird it was.  I of course reassured her that at this point NOTHING was too weird and I would do as she prescribed.  She was a little concerned, however, that I would ovulated before Friday with such a large follicle already. So I was also instructed to do my lovely ovulation kit pee sticks daily.

The rest of the week has been planned.  I have to take estrogen vaginally twice a day for the next 3 days.  Thursday at 3:30 in the morning I have to get my HCG shot and Friday at 3:30pm will be our insemination.

Dearest Family,

Dearest Family,
Over the last 16 months we have been trying to get pregnant. About 4 months into our journey we found some issues and sought the help of my OBGYN doctor. With the help of fertility medication and other tests we thought things were looking up, but by February we realized our issues weren’t entirely based on regular ovulation, but that there was an issue with the sperm as well. From that point we decided to team up with our doctor and attempt intrauterine inseminations (IUI). Our doctor was optimistic and said he would do a max of 6 inseminations (one a month) until I was either pregnant, or had to seek additional assistance. After 4 cycles of IUI and no success, we decided to forgo the inseminations at our general OBGYN and seek help from a fertility clinic. This past August was our first meeting with the clinic and they also seemed optimistic. Through tedious blood work and testing we were able to find that some mucous like fluid could have been plugging the fallopian tubes and after the mucous was removed we proceeded with our 5th IUI hoping for success. After a failed fifth attempt, we now come to you, our family, asking for your help. Over the course of this next month we will be performing our 6th and final IUI. If unsuccessful, we will have to look into much more invasive and expensive procedures, specifically in vitro fertilization. We ask for you (if you would like) to join us in fasting and prayer on November 4th, 2012.

We would like to thank you for all of the love and support you have shown unto us over the years and also thank you for your wonderful examples. We love each and every one of you dearly and words can truly not express our gratitude to have you as members of our family. We hope that through faith our desires of becoming parents will come true.


Love,


Lance and Christine

Wednesday

This past Wednesday was the final day of my two week wait (tww).  After the artificial insemination we had to wait 2 weeks to find out the results (pregnant or not pregnant).  I happened to have my clinicals at Riverton Hospital that day and was able to sneak away for a half an hour to go down stairs to register and get my blood drawn.  Then came the most difficult part.  WAITING. It was probably the longest hour I have ever experienced in my life full of anxiety, anticipation, fear, and nervousness.
I decided to not wait for the doctor to call me with the results and instead looked them up... 

 <5 not pregnant

5 or more pregnant 

 (normally it should be in the hundreds or even thousands depending on how far along you are)

my result:     2.

Yes. 2... which is less than 5 which means I'm not pregnant.  Extremely disappointed I tried to carry on the rest of my day.  A few hours later my doctors office called me and the conversation went as follows

"hello is this christine?"

"yes it is"

"hi this is (i forgot her name) a nurse from the Utah Fertility clinic.. How are you doing today?"

"uhh.. I'm okay"

"sooooo you know your results"

"haha.. yes I do."

"so you aren't pregnant. Your period should start in the next couple of days.  go ahead and call us when it starts and we will get you scheduled for your next cycle"

perfect. (i thought sarcastically)

The following day. 10 minutes before my midterm started my period decided to join the stress party.  

It was definitely a good thing my teacher had a bowl of Halloween candy on her desk... I was in desperate need to chocolate in the form of Milky Ways, M&Ms and Twix.. and yes I ate all of them.

“Thy will be done” and “in Thine own time.”

Over the last month, I have been bombarded by many (more than ever) asking if I was pregnant.  At first I felt very hesitant to tell people, but as our trial to get pregnant became more and more complicated, it was a relief to just openly talk about it.  With the majority of co-workers, friends, and family now knowing we are seeking fertility help, it has become a little overwhelming when people (not very close to me) ask what the latest news is.  

Going into our 5th IUI and our 1st IUI at the fertility center I felt as if this was our only shot (although I know that isn't true).  With the amount of money we have already invested I felt my prayers and pleading turn to an expectation or a frustration that if this one cycle didn't work, I was bound to never have children. ever.  I know that is a little dramatic, but I felt as if I could not endure another negative result.  I could not be disappointed again.  

With the fertility medication I have had to take this month I have literally found myself going CRAZY.  I am literally a CRAZY person.  The littlest things that don't really matter make me extremely upset and things that shouldn't affect me frustrate me beyond belief to the point of tears.  Just last week I found myself curling up in a ball on the couch with my puppy, just crying from sadness, then 15 minutes later I was throwing things in rage and ate a happy meal while facing a wall in our spare bedroom.  I know.  I am crazy. 

We spent this past weekend in Saint George with our good friends and while everyone was up talking and hanging out I was tucked into bed at 10:30 each night because the progesterone wouldn't allow me to stay up any later.  We toyed with the idea of taking a pregnancy test on Sunday, but decided against it since I had a HCG shot and that stays in your system for 10+ days.  We arrived home Sunday night and just as I was getting ready for bed I thought that I saw spotting... and that it was a negative. again.  Luckily when I woke up Monday morning there wasn't any spotting and my period had not started.  I have spent the last 24 hours hoping and praying that my period would not start, and I have 24 more hours until I can take my blood HCG test to get our official results.  

I know that the majority of my posts aren't sugar coated with gospel doctrine or optimism because I don't like to sugar coat things.  I like to tell things how it is.  Each and every day I am not jumping for joy grateful that we have been given this trial, and while I know that everything happens for a reason, it is hard to always look at things from such an eternal perspective.   There have been moments where I have felt lower than low and other moments where I know things will work out according to the Lords time, but now more than ever I truly do know that things are going to work out and that I have to learn to be okay with the negatives, because it will only make the positive that much sweeter.  

This morning when I woke up I had the impression to listen to a general conference talk as I got ready for school.  I don't normally do this, but I picked up my phone and turned on Henry B. Eyring's talk from Sunday of General Conference.  Below is just a little excerpt from his talk that I felt was so applicable to me...

“For there is a time appointed for every man, according as his works shall be.”⁵

We remove the pavilion when we feel and pray, “Thy will be done” and “in Thine own time.” His time should be soon enough for us since we know that He wants only what is best.

One of my daughters-in-law spent many years feeling that God had placed a pavilion over her. She was a young mother of three who longed for more children. After two miscarriages, her prayers of pleading grew anguished. As more barren years passed, she felt tempted to anger. When her youngest went off to school, the emptiness of her house seemed to mock her focus on motherhood—so did the unplanned and even unwanted pregnancies of acquaintances. She felt as committed and consecrated as Mary, who declared, “Behold the handmaid of the Lord.”⁶ But although she spoke these words in her heart, she could hear nothing in reply.

Hoping to lift her spirits, her husband invited her to join him on a business trip to California. While he attended meetings, she walked along the beautiful, empty beach. Her heart ready to burst, she prayed aloud. For the first time, she asked not for another child but for a divine errand. “Heavenly Father,” she cried, “I will give you all of my time; please show me how to fill it.” She expressed her willingness to take her family wherever they might be required to go. That prayer produced an unexpected feeling of peace. It did not satisfy her mind’s craving for certainty, but for the first time in years, it calmed her heart.

The prayer removed the pavilion and opened the windows of heaven. Within two weeks she learned that she was expecting a child. The new baby was just one year old when a mission call came to my son and my daughter-in-law. Having promised to go and do anything, anywhere, she put fear aside and took her children overseas. In the mission field she had another child—on a missionary transfer day.

Submitting fully to heaven’s will, as this young mother did, is essential to removing the spiritual pavilions we sometimes put over our heads. But it does not guarantee immediate answers to our prayers.

Abraham’s heart seems to have been right long before Sarah conceived Isaac and before they received their promised land. Heaven had other purposes to fulfill first. Those purposes included not only building Abraham and Sarah’s faith but also teaching them eternal truths that they shared with others on their long, circuitous route to the land prepared for them. The Lord’s delays often seem long; some last a lifetime. But they are always calculated to bless. They need never be times of loneliness or sorrow or impatience.

Although His time is not always our time, we can be sure that the Lord keeps His promises. For any of you who now feel that He is hard to reach, I testify that the day will come that we all will see Him face to face. Just as there is nothing now to obscure His view of us, there will be nothing to obscure our view of Him.

I can honestly admit that over the past 16 months Lance and I have found ourselves pleading with bargaining within our prayers that we might be blessed with the opportunity to become pregnant, to become parents, to have a heavenly spirit sent here to us.  As I listened to this talk I realized that we need to stop asking for what we want, but instead to let Heavenly Father give us what he thinks we need, when we need it.  

While we are still hoping these next 24 hours will go without error and that we might get good news tomorrow, I am still okay in knowing that if it isn't this time, it will happen.  Someday. When the time is right.

For more on what we believe click here:   latter-day Saints 

Expensive

One of the things I think that has really hit Lance and I in the past few months is just how expensive this entire process was.  We knew as we pondered the idea of going to a fertility specialist that there was a very good possibility that we would have to do in vitro which would be about $12,000.  Just thinking of that large lump sum had us in panic mode, so we decided to continue with the less expensive option, but just this past week I realized less expensive is all relative.

I went to Target a few days ago to order more contact lenses.  The lady used my insurance and since I have eyemed which pays for a large portion I ended up with a $15.00 bill for a 6 month supply of contacts.  I felt like I was being thrifty and 15 bucks was chump change.  I pulled out my Health Savings Account debt card (which the funds are deducted from my paycheck bimonthly) and figured I had plenty to spare.  A few moments later the lady came back telling me the card had been zeroed out and I still owed $1.53.  WHAT?!?! I had put hundreds upon hundreds of dollars into that account. How can it be completely empty?!  So I grudgingly paid the other $1.53 with my normal debt card.

Lets start from the beginning:
(2011)
1 round of Femara         $6
HCG blood test             $20
Progesterone blood test $20
(2012)
9 rounds of Femara      $36
Lance's Semen Analysis $188
Pregnancy Tests           $50.00
Ovulation Kits               $120.00
Nausea Medication       $67.81
IUI x4 (at OB office)   $ 1120  ($280 a piece)
Initial Consult             $391.64
Xray HSG Test            $138.00
Labs                           $1200.00
Round #5:
Fertility Rx (HCG and Progesterone) $124.78
3 Ultrasounds                $576.00
IUI @ Fertility Center    $350.00


Grand Total:  $4408.23

It amazes me how each payment wasn't super large so I didn't think we had spent much money, but when I calculate it out I am in complete amazement at how much we have spent on trying to get pregnant alone (not to mention the occasional visit to InstaCare).  The next question I'm sure you are all wondering is why isn't insurance paying for any of this?
Well lucky us for having a $1500 per person deductible (which we still haven't hit) because Utah health insurance does not pay to get anyone pregnant or cover infertility so a good portion of these costs weren't even billed to insurance.  I just got a bill directly from the office. 

So a few weeks ago Lance's dad was asking how things were going and jokingly I said "well how bad do you want a grandkid? we are currently accepting donations!"  In all seriousness we are doing okay paying for all of these unexpected and extra expenses, but the thought of having to spend another grand or so doing another IUI, or even 12,000 for in vitro is extremely overwhelming.

*Family: we love you all, but don't expect expensive christmas gifts this year ;)

Progesterone

Yesterday while attempting to study for two tests I suddenly got EXTREMELY tired. Tired to the point I could hardly hold up my own pencil.  With failed attempts to take a nap (thanks to my puppy) I pressed on and went to school.  After the exams I left straight from school and headed up the hill to work.  Talking to my dad on the phone as I drove seemed to be the only thing that could keep me awake.  I even opted to take a 10 minute nap in my car while in the parking garage with a car alarm blaring next to me.  I spent the rest of my 8 hour work night trying hard to focus on studying and in the end I only made it to 9:45 before I HAD to go home (I normally get off at 11).  With little sleep between my night shift and todays day shift I find myself today in the same situation.  Why is all of this relevant to TTC? Well let me tell you.

A year ago my OB had my progesterone level checked 7 days after ovulation.  The higher the number the better and mine was boardline good, so he wasn't too worried.  Progesterone is the hormone that helps build up the uterus lining for implantation to occur successfully.  Progesterone also helps develop the embryo so the more progesterone you produce once the egg is fertilized the better.  (low progesterone can result in a miscarriage).  Since my body is naturally producing progesterone I am already tired (like most pregnant people...) But the fertility clinic is being proactive and cautious so they prescribed me vaginal suppositories of progesterone to take for the next 25 days.. (and longer if I am pregnant).  So my natural supply of progesterone + 100mg of progesterone = double the side effects.   A few of those side effects include dizziness, headaches, TIREDNESS, lethargy, and nausea.  Luckily I haven't been subjected to any nausea, but tiredness, headaches, and lethargy are definitely taking over my body.  As I mentioned the prescription is a vaginal suppository which looks like a bullet that is inserted similar to a tampon.. but is never removed because it slowly dissolves... leaving a lovely milk lotion like discharge.  I figured since I place one each night before bed, that by the time I wake up the medication would be almost out of my system, until I read that the half life is 26 hours (meaning half of the medication effects are diminished in 26 hours and by that time I am placing a new one).  The things you go through to get a gummybear, but it'll be worth it :)

number 5

talking to lance before we enter Utah Fertility Center

Today was the day of our 5th IUI. When I tell people that we are doing artifical inseminations there first question is when do you start... and my response is well... today is our 5th.... then they look at me with shock all over their face. 

tiny room. Lance looking a little uncomfortable

my best friend... the transvaginal ultrasound... (luckily i didn't need to use him today.

So artificial insemination or intrauterine insemination only increases your odds of getting pregnant by 10%.  With our additional medication, ultrasounds, and procedures the fertility clinic can increase odds to 15-20%.  

Lance headed down to the fertility clinic at 9am to donate his swimmers.  At 10:30 we met back up at the clinic and waited for the doctor.  Today we had a nurse practitioner perform the insemination and this was the first time that Lance has chosen to stay for the entire procedure.  It was nice to have someone to talk to during the 15 minute wait (afterwards) instead of just playing family feud on my phone.  Lance took a super attractive picture of me laying and waiting that looks like I'm eating a pole...

The table they had me lay on was SUPER high tech.  The NP was able to RAISE me up to her level.. and then afterwards tilt me so my bottom was up higher than my head.  

So far so good.  Tomorrow night I start vaginal progesterone suppositories for the next 25 days.. and we do a blood pregnancy test in a couple of weeks.

HCG spike. Ready to Rock & Roll

Checked this morning to make sure the HCG shot from last night worked and low and behold it did. The two strips are pregnancy tests which are positive with two lines. (A urine pregnancy test is just testing for an increase in HCG in the hormone, which is present when you are pregnant, or in my case present since I just injected HCG into my belly last night). The smiley face is testing my LH hormone surge indicating that my follicle or egg is getting ready to be released.

What does this all mean? We are ready for IUI tomorrow. Yay!!

Like clockwork

Tonight was the night for my HCG shot. The injection has to be exactly 36 hours prior to insemination and since mine is scheduled for Wednesday morning at 10:30 am I had to receive my shot at 10:30 tonight. I wasn't too afraid as I have given many shots (yay for nursing school), but lance was pacing like a crazy person. Almost as if he was nervous about getting a shot, but he was just the one giving it!! After I drew up and mixed the medication I handed the needle to lance and taught him how to give his very first subcutaneous shot. Needle-ess to say he did a very good job. 😜

Work and Fertility

After nearly two weeks of waiting for my ovulation days to come I was finally scheduled to come into the office last Friday, my cycle day 11.  I had spent the last week playing phone tag with a nurse at the fertility clinic in regards to the uncomfortable itching I was feeling down below.  Apparently it is common to get yeast infection when hormones are drastically changed.  Lucky me. 
I was scheduled to work a 12 hour shift on Friday, but thanks to my kind co-worker Heather, I was able to go to my appointment and then come into work after, while she came in 4 hours early to cover for me. 

Lance and I went to the clinic and by this time I had become a professional vaginal ultrasound guru.  Pee prior to the procedure. check.  remove clothes from the waist down. check.  lithotomy position. check.   As soon as the nurse practitioner came in I drilled her with my numerous questions about the complications this yeast infection would cause in regards to antibiotics and intercourse and side effects.  After that was all settled we proceeded with the ultrasound which showed a nice thin lining of 2mm and two follicles (eggs) 12 mm big, one in each ovary.  Apparently 12mm isn't big or mature enough so we had to schedule another ultrasound for Monday (which I just so happened was also scheduled to work.  Just as we left our 5 minute long appointment we were notified that our ultrasound bill would be $192 bucks.. Yes. $192 dollars for 5 minutes with the nurse practitioner.

Sunday night I called my charge nurse and told her the same scenario was happening and that I would need to be delayed or cancelled so I could make it to my ultrasound appointment.  She couldn't guarantee anything and instead called me at 4:30 am to let me know that I would NOT be cancelled and that I would either have to call in sick or come in to work.  Not wanting to take a sick day I woke up at 5:30 and left my house for work only to become extremely frustrated when I saw that we only had 9 patients total in the entire unit (and one CNA can handle 9 patients...10 is when another CNA is necessary).  Happy with only a 5 patient workload I finished all of my work in a fraction of the time it would have typically taken me and was even able to finish some homework while I waited for a call light to go off.  at 8:20 I decided to call and reschedule my ultrasound for the following day (which was not ideal, but a necessity).  Right after rescheduling my appt I walked up to the front of our unit and began talking to my co-workers about what was happening.  After finishing my story they all said... well go to your appointment now, we can handle things here.  Ahhh a slight sign of relief I hurried and called the clinic back to undo my cancellation.   Rushing out the door and to the office that was 20 minutes away I called Lance and we met up in Murray.

Walking into the office I was full of apologies to staff for my confusing coming..not coming... coming chaos.  It felt like deva vu as I peed, stripped, and lithotomy positioned it.  This time, however, my lining was grown to a healthy 6mm from the previous 2mm, and my right follicle was 19mm (>18mm is a mature follicle).   Happy about the right follicle we anxiously searched for the left follicle to learn it was still 12mm.  Slightly bummed at only having one mature follicle and my dream of twins thrown out the window I gave a frown to Lance who seemed content with the idea of only one follicle... haha!  Afterwards I hurried and got dressed and exited to meet with the nurse. 

We scheduled our IUI for Wednesday at 10:30am with Lance's collection for 9:00am although I am scheduled to be at clinicals on Wednesday... (of course)!  I was slightly surprised by how specific timing is with the fertility clinic.  I have to inject myself with HCG via tummy shot at exactly 10:30pm tonight to allow for exactly 36 hours of work before my insemination.  When we went to the OBGYN for IUI Lance would drop off the sample and within 10 minutes my IUI was performed.  I suspect the go into much more detail for the cleansing and preparation process of sperm. 

-keeping our fingers crossed!

Day #2

As I mentioned earlier I was supposed to call my fertility doctor as soon as my period started.  As Lance and I began to look at our schedules we knew that if my cycle was just as it had been (with my fertility medication) I would start my period on day 28 or 29.  But since my doctor told me to give my body a rest this month we had NO CLUE what day my cycle was going to start (prior to fertility medication I was at 33-35 days). 
Selfish us, planned a trip to St. George with our friends and if my cycle was the normal 33-35 days I would be ovulating during the trip and thus would have to withhold from going. 

Tuesday, September 18th I had discussed this dilemma with Lance and so his morning prayer went something like this... please bless us with the opportunity to get pregnant and for everything to work out so we can go to St. George..
After the prayer I smirked and looked at Lance with a "did you really pray for a vacation look" and he responded with, "sometimes you have to be specific with what you want!" haha!
So Tuesday is my 9 hour straight day of school.  I packed my backpack with the usual supplies and grabbed my "period kit" just in case (filled with pads and tampons).  I wasn't expecting my period to start until Saturday at the earliest, but then again my body is all sorts of confused these days.

After lunch I had a gut feeling that my period might be on its way, and low and behold there it was!  Crazy how immediately that prayer was answered!

I quickly grabbed my phone and called the doctors office and anxiously waited 3 hours for them to call me back and set up my baseline ultrasound for the following day. 
Wednesday, September 19th I went in for my ultrasound where my ovaries looked like they were producing nice little follicles and my lining was thinned as it should be, and my body was ready to begin this journey for the fifth time.

Since this was my very first time going to the fertility center, the entire experience felt new to me.  My medication, Femara, was doubled in dosage to really stimulate those follicles to mature.  Next Friday I will go in for my next ultrasound to see if the follicles are mature enough to release.  Once they are big enough I will have to give myself an injection of HCG in my booty to stimulate them to release followed for 30 days of vaginal suppositories of Progesterone.
My previous IUI cycles just had me taking Femara, no ultrasounds, no HCG, no progesterone. With all of these aggressive adjustments I hope we see positive results.

Blasting the Tubes

September 5th, 2012
CD 11:
We went to the doctor's office for my HSG test.  An HSG test is an xray of the uterus and fallopian tubes where contrast is injected directly into the uterus to watch and see if the tubes will fill.  One of the things my fertility Dr. suspected was that my tubes could possibly have a kink in them or be clogged.  If a tube's pathway is constricted then the sperm are hitting a brick wall when they try to swim towards the egg. 
We waited in the doctors office for 45 minutes until finally Lance couldn't wait anymore and he ran down the stree to do a pest control treatment.  Of course just as he left my name was called and I went into the exam room for the procedure.  The procedure felt similar to when I had my IUD placed.  Theres a bit of cramping as they inject the catheter and dye.  As my Dr. injected the dye my uterus began to fill up immediately, but my fallopian tubes were faint in color.  With a hard push of the suringe the tubes began to fill quickly.  The doctor essentially blew the tubes open.  From the xray neither tube was kinked, but some mucous was suspected to be the culprit blocking my tubes. 
The next plan was set to call my Fertility Dr. on cycle day one for further instructions...

The Big Appointment

Monday, August 27, 2012

Things just always have a way of working themselves out...  Over the past three weeks Lance and I have debated back and forth about going in and proceeding with our fifth IUI or just holding off this month and waiting for the fertility doctor to give us a better idea of what is going on.  I decided that if I had a positive ovulation kit on Saturday or Sunday of last week, then we would go into the office on Monday and have it done.  If I didn't get a positive then we would continue on with our trip to Las Vegas as planned and just skip this month.  Saturday passed, Sunday passed, and even Monday passed all with negative results.  I thought it was a little funny that I hadn't seen a positive, but I just brushed it off and went to Vegas leaving my pee sticks at home.  I'm not sure if the positive would have come on Tuesday or Wednesday, but on our way back to Salt Lake this past Sunday I started my period.  Rather strange and unusual because it was 8 days EARLY!?!?  That has never EVER happened to me.  Being on fertility medication is supposed to make me regular, and the shortest cycle I have ever had has been 28 days... here I was at 20 days!  Completely shocked and confused I kept asking the whole night "what the freak is wrong!!!"  Luckily we had our appointment scheduled for today so I was looking forward to getting some answers. 

....

Today was the day we have been waiting the last 8 weeks for... Infertility Consult.

We went all the way down to Pleasant Grove to the Utah Fertility Center to meet with Dr. Faulk.  I had great reviews from a few friends and figured seeing a good doctor (who also accepted my insurance) was worth the drive.  Once we arrived they took our picture (which I found a little odd), and after 10 minutes of waiting we were escorted back to Dr. Faulk's office.  He began to explain that making a baby is really quite simple (haha..)

All it takes to make a baby is 4 things.. Sperm, egg, a uterus, and fallopian tubes.  The average for a couple trying to get pregnant for longer than 12 months (which we are at 14 months) is that 90% of couples are pregnant.  We are now in that 10%.  Basically we can say that we are 90% positive that SOMETHING is wrong.  The first thing my OBGYN checked was my ovulation which they discovered back in December wasn't regular, thus I have been on Femara for the last 8 months.  After 4 months of being on Femara and still not getting pregnant the next thing that was checked by my OBGYN was Lance's sperm, which isn't all shaped normal, thus we were directed to do Intrauterine Inseminations which allows the sperm a much shorter distance to swim and increases our chances.  After "fixing" both of those problems and still not being pregnant we have narrowed the problem to the upper reproductive tract....

For my initial consultation we sat down and discussed the game plan with all of our options, had a full exam (gotta love those with the hubby sitting there! haha!!), a vaginal ultrasound, and blood drawn.  With the vaginal ultrasound we discovered there aren't any massive cysts on my ovaries (good), my ovaries have a lot of dark holes which indicates not releasing eggs regularly (which we knew), and that the path to my uterus looks likes a snake or a sideways S (which makes for a triathalon course for the swimmers). 

 
The next test is an HSG test which includes dye being place into the uterus and tubes and an xray is taken to determine if there is a kink or pinch in one of the tubes that is causing the problem. 

Now here's where my period coming 8 days early becomes a blessing.    The first set of labs that they run on a new patient are done on cycle day 2-3.  Because I started my period yesterday that made today CD 2 and I was able to get my blood drawn for a bunch of different tests instead of waiting another week to get the labs drawn.  Also because I'm 8 days early I was able to schedule my HSG test for next Wednesday.  All in all we were able to move up an entire week in the process because of the little "present" I got yesterday. 

After next week depending on what the HSG test shows we have a couple of options.

If the tube is open...

       1. We say I haven't gotten pregnant yet due to bad luck and continue with another IUI or two

       2. I have surgery to then determine if the problem is with my ovaries (endometriosis)

                  ** If positive for endometriosis:  1) Surgery 2) Skip ahead to IVF

       3. We skip ahead to IVF

If the tube is closed...

       1. I have surgery to open the tube, then...

              a. proceed with IUI

              b. skip ahead to IVF

      

All in all it is pretty crazy and mind blowing how Dr. Faulk literally "makes babies" for a living.  The entire atmosphere of the clinic is very optimistic, calming, and hopeful.  With numerous baby announcements flooding the walls and the extremely helpful staff it was such an uplifting day after such a long and rollercoaster ride of a journey.

- - - -

Monday, August 13, 2012

Yup.  That's right.  We've just received our 4th negative. 

During the IUI process it is extremely uncomfortable and awkward to be in the positions and dealing with the conversations of va-jay-jays and swimmers, but none of it is nearly as LAME as receiving the bill for a $300 IUI AFTER you know it already didn't work.  It's like paying for a vacation when you didn't even get to go because you got sick.  I'm not quite sure why the timing is the way it is.  I would not mind nearly as much if I received the bill the day before I knew it didn't work, but there is just something about getting that bill in the mail that makes the fact that it didn't work even more frustrating. 

Enough with my rant-
To do #5 or to not do #5 that is the question.  We are scheduled to go down to Utah Fertility Clinic on the 27th of this month, but the week before would be our scheduled IUI time.  We are heading to Vegas/Cali that week and would possibly have to delay our trip in order to proceed with the 5th IUI... I guess we will just wait and see.

The Do's and Do Not's

Monday, August 13, 2012

I found the following tips from a friend of mine's blog, (which she got from another blog), but I just loved them and wanted to share.  Thanks Michelle! :)

Infertility Etiquette

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:

  

     1. They will eventually conceive a baby.

     2. They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.

     3. They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.

Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Tell Them to Relax

Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem

Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen

Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

 

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents

One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF

In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"

Don't Be Crude

It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy

This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant

For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition

 

Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.

Don't Push Adoption (Yet)

Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care

The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother's Day

With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.

Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments

No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

Round Number 4

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

So I saw this picture on instagram and can't get over how hilarous it is.  It's a pen for a fertility center with little blue sperm swimming toward a pink egg. haha.

So after a weekend of anniversary celebrations I woke up on Sunday the 22nd (our 2 year) and was greeted with a smiley face on my ovulation stick.  We planned to go into the office the following day, but on Monday when I texted my doctor saying I would be there at about noon I was surprised to see his response: "I'm out of town... call the office."  So I did as I was told and called the office only to be surprised again by them telling me the entire office was closed and even the Nurse Practioner (who was supposed to be there) was out of town.  Dr. Later himself had closed down the office... and forgot haha!
I texted him back and said, "Hey. You closed your office today!" his response was that I could
#1 go to the fertlity clinic down the street
#2 have my co-worker RN who also works at his office perform the procedure
#3 wait until the next day (which isn't ideal).
So I said what the heck lets just have Tas do it.  We set up the time and all Lance could say was "this is so awkward walking out with the sample and giving it to Tas because she is your friend" and my response was "really Lance? is it awkward?  is your friend injecting into your va-jay today?" (TMI...sorry).

So the procedure went just as planned. I even stood in their mini labratory gossiping as she washed the sample.  Oh the things other people would find absolutely disgusting, that we think is no big deal.


ATTENTION:   This picture might be TMI, but everytime I go into the office I think "why are their bears on the sturrups?" they are holding in my feet. hahaha!

Round Three: Bust

Friday, July 13, 2012

A few weeks ago Lance and I went in to embark on our 3rd IUI.  I was supposed to find out this past week, and the result is negatory! It's weird to me how I lack really any emotion other than "well this is lame."  I don't know if it is because I've already experienced almost every emotion when it comes to this process and I just didn't believe it was going to happen and thus it wasn't much of a surprise, or if I am just disappointed.  Unsure.  Well, since we are at our half way point we have a couple big decisions to make.  Over the past couple of weeks I have spoken with many of my friend who have gone through similar situations and their last stop was a fertility clinic.  Each one of them said "it was the hardest decision I've had to make, but totally worth it."  Each one of them went to different fertility clinics and said they were awesome which makes choosing just ONE a little more challenging.  The closest and the one I would probably want to go to doesn't accept our insurance, so that was an easy choice.  The second closest one has really sketch reviews, so I already said we won't go here, and the third closest one is in ..... PLEASANT GROVE. AH! that is kinda far away!

Lance has been on the "lets see a specialist" train since the 2nd one didn't work, but I've been holding back because I just have never viewed us as the type to be defined as needing a "fertility center," but alas I caved and gave them a call.  Good thing I did, because the next soonest appointment is August 27th... which means I will continue at my doctors office completing IUI #4 and #5 before we even get an initial consultation at the clinic.  I couldn't even imagine having gone through all 6 IUI treatments... then making the phone call, and then having to wait another 2 months! Needless to say, it is a great backup plan to have an appointment scheduled and hey, if in the next two months we get a +, then YAY and I can just cancel the appointment!